I’ve gotten lots of questions yesterday and today here and on facebook, so I’ll answer some of them!
How far are you? When are you due? I am 10 weeks. Due December 25, 2008.
Is the girl excited? Yes, but it took some work. Since we had not planned to have other kids, she was always aware of the benefits of no siblings. Now, we have had to make her aware of the benefits of a sibling. She is now very excited, however I do think this will be a difficult adjustment for her. When the baby comes she will be almost 6. She is very accustomed to getting her own way a lot of the time, and getting a lot of attention. We try not to spoil her…but at the same time we try to pick our battles, and since there are 2 of us to 1 of her, there is often no really good reason for her not to get her way. This will change. We are trying to get her used to use to us sticking to our guns more now, so it wont seem like the baby’s fault to her. Luckily, she is still young enough to not connect us getting stricter now to the baby coming in 7 months. Any advice from those of my readers who have had widely spaced kids would be helpful.
How are you feeling? Fine. I am a little tired, and little queasy but nothing awful. I only throw up when I take my pre-natal vitamin on an empty stomach, which I have learned to stop doing. I did not have bad morning sickness with the girl either.
Do you know the gender/will you find out the gender/when will you find out the gender? The midwife says there is about a 50% chance of it being another girl. We will find out for sure in about 7 months.
Why did you change your mind about having one child? My life has changed a lot since I decided to have one child. At that time, I was in a position at work that was very stressful, had a lot of overtime, and did not balance well with parenthood…but I loved it and planned to stay there. I also was not ready to consider another baby at the point that most people seem to do so (start trying when their first is 1-2 years, to have them 2-3 years apart). The combination of knowing I could not manage 2 kids with my job, and knowing I did not want 2 little ones at the same time led me to decide to just stick with one. I liked not only those aspects of it, but also the finacnialand personal freedom one child would give my family-more money, more free time and me time and couple time, more space in our small home. So that was it, one child. The man would have liked more, but did not pressure me as he knew I was already very overwhelmed with trying to balance my job and my 1 child.
2 years ago I changed positions to one that, while still challenging and that I love, has a lot less overtime and is therefore a lot more conducive to having a family. It suddenly occured to me a year or so ago that I now felt I could handle another child, both given the girl’s age and my current position at work…but I was comfortable with my life as it was and pushed the thought away. Another child would mean more laundry and less handbags, after all! But once the thought had popped into my head, it would not stay away, especially since I knew the man really wanted another child. So, in the fall I decided to take a leap of faith and go for it. I was not sure it was what I wanted exactly…but I was sure I could manage it and would adjust to the change and love the baby once it came.
It actually took 7 months and one early loss (in February) for me to get pregnant. It was much more difficult than I had thought it would be (as the girl was conceived very easily), and very stressful. That time was also a blessing though, as in my struggles to become and stay pregnant I went beyond being willing to have another child to truly wanting it.
Aren’t you glad the girl wont be an only child after all? No, not really. The reason I made this decision was notfor the girl, so she would not be an only child. This baby is not a gift to her, but an addition to our family. I firmly stand by my belief that children do not need siblings and can lead happy and full lives without them, and that babies are not gifts to other kids and should not be created for the role they will have in another child’s life, but for their own existence. I think kids are happy when they are loved and nurtured and their needs are met, with or without siblings. As for adults, I know as many adults who have negative or non-existent relationships with their siblings as those that have good ones…so I see no reason to provide my child with a “lifelong companion”; since there is no gurantee that will happen anyways. With or without a sibling, I have always been confident that she will create for herself a circle of loving support, as I have. That is not to say I don’t hope the girl and the baby will love each other, and become lifelong companions and friends. I do hope so, as you can never be loved by too many people. But I do not see it as a given and do not feel I needed to save my daughter from being an only child.
Michelle said,
May 31, 2008 @ 2:37 am
So excited for your family! My boys are 8 years apart (13 and 5). My oldest son has been such a big help, can’t imagine having two little ones at the same time! My younger son thinks the older one is the greatest. He loves to go in his big brother’s room and just be with him. The only hard part is just that their activities are so different. While both are involved in sports, its been hard having to take my younger son to all kinds of sporting events. He’s fine with it because he has done that since he was 3 weeks old! Sorry for the book, but you will be fine and your family will adjust in your own way and time.
Wendy said,
May 31, 2008 @ 4:37 pm
I love the last paragraph and seeing as I am having major troubles with my brother and have some resentment to my 2 half sisters, I can’t agree more.
As for a big (subjective, as I don’t see 6 yrs old that big of a space)spacing between kids, my only advice is to not make the older sibling your built in babysitter. I understand that my mom’s situation was different from yours (she was divorced mother with a 6 yr old and newborn), but it is easy to let the older one watch the baby for a second while you do something. It may sound weird to some, but I was left in charge of my brother more than I wish and my stepmom did it with the older of her 2 girls (8 years apart) and I don’t think it helped any of our relationships. But then again, everyone is different.
Good luck. Your girl and new baby are very lucky.
I, also, like your answer to the gender question. When we asked to know the sex of our first baby our dr told us that he did the turnup test. When the baby is born he turn them up to see the gender. He was not a fan of knowing the gender before it was born.
The Blogger said,
May 31, 2008 @ 5:42 pm
Thanx Michelle and Wendy!
Wendy, ITA. I will only expect the girl to help with the baby, now and in the future, as she wishes too. I really don’t think it is her responsibility to take care of my child, and wont automatically expect it from her. I do think that once the baby cmes she will probably want to help (bring diapers, entertain baby, feed bottle if this one actually takes a bottle-the girl never did) and that’ll be great, but I wont push it and if/when it grows old for her, so be it. As a teenager, I will of course offer her the opportunity to baby-sit for extra allowance…but it will not be an automatic expectation (except in an emergency…not like “cannot find a sitter” emergency but like “have to go to the hospital and there is no one to stay with the little one” emergency).
Jen said,
May 31, 2008 @ 9:15 pm
That is fabulous news! Congratulations on your pregnancy!!!!
We are big fans of wide age gaps between sibs at our house. It didn’t quite work out that way for dh and I but we have plenty of nieces and nephews with wide age gaps. We have thirty five or so between us, so we’ve observed plenty ;) My dh has eight years between him and his youngest of eight sibs.
This will be a wonderful experience for your kidlet, she’ll be able to be fully present and participating in her sib’s arrival and that will be a huge bonding experience.
Wishing you a healthy and comfortable pregnancy!
Chrissy said,
May 31, 2008 @ 9:19 pm
I’m soooooooooooooo excited for you guys!!! Wishing you all the best with your pregnancy! Again, I CANNOT express how excited I am for you, The Man and The Girl!!
I’ll have to go to TO sometime soon so we can go shopping together! I LOVE the stuff you’ve got on your Wish List!! You are gonna look awesome in those outfits! You are one stylin’ mama! XOXO
Karen meg said,
June 1, 2008 @ 4:07 pm
Whoooooottttt!!! I am so happy for you and your family. This is wonderful news.
I think it’s especially wonderful because you are having this baby for all the right reasons. And that you know that and will respect the girlie’s wishes to be as involved/ uninvolved as she wants to be with helping your with baby etc. Although I’m sure she will be RIGHT in there.
Ous are almost 5 years apart as you know. And the Lboy has been really great up until recently … he is still a wonderful child, but I suspect he feels a little out of the loop as his little Diva sister gets cuter and more demanding of our attention. It has surprised us because we didn’t think this would be an issue as it never was from day one… but lately buttons are being pushed to the limit. So our challenge now is to make sure he gets the attention he needs, because he is still our little boy.
So after that novel, congrats again, and I hope to see you this summer so I can admire your loveliness in those hot maternity fashions ;)
xoxo