i do not always succeed. i try always to be kind and generous, to be amusing when i need to be and serious when i need to be, to give others the benefit of the doubt, to not hold grudges, to be a good listener, and to be a good friend.

for the most part, i am successful

except

i talk too much. always have. hope not “always will” though.

i share things about myself with people who don’t need to know, or don’t care.

i tell people on craigslist my whole life story when i just mean to say why 3:00pm is not a good time for a pick-up.

worst of all, i gossip. not even to be bitchy (usually) but just because if i know something, or something is on my mind, i HAVE to say it when the opportunity arises. i don’t really get it. i have a job where i have to be good at confidentiality, and at work i am. but in my personal life, i have no discretion whatsoever, and usually realize it just a minute too late. it probably makes me seem like a bitch or a not nice person, but i am really not either. it is hard to explain, but i like most people. even people i don’t like certian things about, or like to gossip about since there is just so much to say…i still like them. there are very few people I actually don’t like, or would ever want to hurt, even if i know i could hurt them by talking about them. i don’t even like to hurt people that i truly don’t like. i am just not mean, even though i know i sound mean. it is a problem, and probably part of the reason i don’t have as mnay friends as i’d like. that and that i have a huge fear of rejection that makes it very hard for me to reach out and ask people, even people close to me, to get together. i am always sure they’ll have something better to do or someone they’ed rather be with, so i never ask…and then i become “the friend that never asks”, and then we aren’t friends anymore.

there are, of course, a few exceptions to this. there are things i have managed to keep to myself, not even share with my husband, for years. not many of them, but a few big ones that i just always knew were not things to be ever considered idle gossip and that had to stay in the vault. there are also a few people in my life i do trust and do call and do reach out to, and these people i do not gossip or talk about, i do have some limits that i can keep. usually.  but sometimes i start talking, and just cannot stop. even as i am telling myself “stop”.

so, today i learned 3 things:

1) i have to learn to get this habit under control. otherwise i could hurt people i do not want to hurt.

2) my best friend is better person than i am.  i hope i can learn to be more like her.

3)  35 year olds sometimes still need to grow up.

Eh, I’ll try NaBloPoMo again (I skipped it last year, since we were in Disney World). A post a day for a month? I think I can handle that…though it would be easier if our 2000 computer wasn’t so darn slow (it can no longer do 2 things at once, and cannot display text as fast as I can type it). Yes, that’s right, 2000. We are the least techy people ever! We have tube TVs (and no, we aren’t just waiting for them to die before we get Plasma or LCD…we replaced both our TVs last year, with tube TVs), no IPODS, and were the last among everyone we know to get a DVD player (we used VHS until around 2004) and a digital camera. We are looking at getting a new computer though…as soon as the man and I figure out what we want and where to put it!

His (stupid) plan: To build a computer desk into half of his walk in closet and get a new PC. He has actually started. About 2 months ago his ripped apart half of said closet. He then, instead of building a desk into it, proceeded to fill it with the things (junk he has been keeping forever and will never use) from the office that should be a nursery by now, and topped it up with his dirty laundry. Of course, there are no doors on ripped apart closet, so our bedroom is a disgusting disaster zone due to his project. I’d take a picture, but I think he’d get mad at me!

My (awesome) plan: Get a lap-top. We can just use it wherever and wont need a designated computer area. Put the doors back on the closet and hide all the man’s shit treaures.

This is actually becoming a source of significant stress to me. We cannot start to set up the nursery until we get the computer out of it (though the man is supposedly on the verge of painting the room, right around the computer)…and I really really want the furniture in there already so I can start sorting and organzing things.

Oh well, in more news, I visited Chrissy today. Though I am sorry for the circumstances that brought her to Toronto, it was great to see her after over 2 years and finally meet her husband!! Again, lets all send *baby stay inside* prayers and vibes and wishes her way.

And, for your viwwing pleasure, The Girl last night..as Hannah Montana, of course!

So D and I hit the mall early today for some Boxing Day shopping. We had fun together, but there was really not much to buy. There were no spring/summer clothes on sale, and the winter stuff was very picked over and mostly stuff that had already been on sale for weeks. Also,  I don’t really need anymore winter clothes and have gained about 6lbs in the past few months (hello writer’s strike good-bye elliptical) and just don’t feel like trying on clothes until I feel better about myself again. There wasn’t even anything to buy for the girl, as she only wears dresses and there were tonnes of girl’s separates on sale, but only holiday dresses which she does not need. I looked for the man too, but all the nice men’s stuff was either super big or super small  (though I admit, I didn’t look too hard for him!).

I did score a pair of boots though. I decided I need flat(ish) boots as I have been wearing a lot of leggings and long sweaters/short sweater dresses this winter, and it looks sorta…um…trashy with high heel boots, and wrong with shoes. I avoided the dreaded hideous Uggs(yes M, I know they are comfy, but I just cannot do it! They belong in the Hell I normally reserve for Crocs) and scored these instead. Cute, eh:

I also have swollen, pus filled, scarred tonsils. I took a picture for ya’ll, but it is scary, so click here if you dare. I am feeling better though, the fever and sick feeling are almost gone, just another day or so of sore throat, and another 7 days of anti-biotics to contend with.

As for what I want. I WANT A Wii! NOW! I played it for the first time at my cousin’s house today, and let me just say, it is like crack. I would drop those 6lbs like nobodies business if just I had a Wii. As it is, I’ll just have to invite myself to my cousin’s house every day, until I score a Wii for myself. Cousins, listen here: Sorry, but I will not return the favour and invite you to my home for lunch.  I’ll cook for you. I’ll clean for you. I’ll even baby-sit you kids and walk your dog. But any future get-togethers will be at the house with the Wii. And that’s your house. Deal with it. Or give us the Wii. It’s up to you (see ya at 9am tomorrow, k? I’ll phone at 6 to make sure you are awake).

P.S. I know that there are some cute Uggs online, but I have never actually seen them. Luckily, I have never seen these in real life either. It is a good thing, as I think if I did I would have to gouge my eyes out:

P.S. S. Sorry I have been not around much lately. Between being sick and being very busy at home and work right now, I have been rather remiss in my blogging duties. I’ll try to be around more in the New Year! I know how much you all must suffer when I am not here for you…

It is Yom Kippur today. I have been fasting since 6:30pm yesterday. I am tired and grumpy and headachy and most of all, HUNGRY.

Even though I am not very religious, fasting on Yom Kippur is one rule I always keep (when I can, health-wise…I did not fast while pregnant or Breast-feeding, which is the true reason I BF my little darling until she was 28 months!!!). I am not sure if it makes a difference to G-d or not, but it feels right to me…to abstain from food and drink for one day and focus my mind on things I have done wrong in the past year, and things I can do better in the next year.

Here are some of the things I am sorry for from the past year:

1. Not being kind and patient enough with my daughter.

2. Often being grumpy and distracted with my parents.

3. Spending far too much time seeing my husband’s short-comings, and far too little time seeing his strengths, which are far greater.

4. Holding grudges against friends. Grudges they don’t even know about, since I tend to avoid confrontation, yet that have remained in my heart. Now is the time to drop them and start anew.

There, that was cleansing.

One thing that I both love and hate about Yom Kippur is that it is the one time a year we always entertain, inviting friends and family over to break the fast;

I love that because I enjoy entertaining, because it is nice to have friends and family over, and because it is one of the few times a year my house looks good. Maybe I can maintain it this year?

I hate it though because it is difficult to spend the day cooking and cleaning while I am tried and hungry from fasting. That said, it makes my satisfaction and pride all the greater when it comes time to eat.

Tonight I am serving:

*Bagels with a variety of spreads

*Lasagna

*Salmon with a soy/brown sugar glaze (thanx C !)

*A green salad

*A tomato salad from my MIL

*That yummy Nilla Wafer Banana thingy

*A chocolate Bubka

*Brownies from my MIL

*Fruit from my mother

and since it is Saturday night..I picked up a bottle of  Starbucks Cream Liqueur  for myself those that wish to indulge.

I hope all my Jewish friends and family had a easy fast.

UPDATE: THE LASAGNA ENDED UP ON THE DINING ROOM FLOOR, TO BE HASTILY REPLACED BY ROTINI WITH ROSEE AND MUSHROOM SAUCE. THE HOSTESS CAN BE FOUND, FOR THE REMAINDER OF THE EVENING,  IN THE CORNER CRYING OVER HER LASAGNA.

Sometimes people make me feel like it is silly to be involved in internet communities, or have “internet friends” that I really care about. Sometimes, I wonder if they are right, if it is crazy to become invested in people I meet on a computer monitor.

Today, I learned that they are wrong.

Recently a young woman I know, with little money and few supports, had a baby. She called me yesterday to tell me that her baby is having trouble nursing, and she is trying to pump for the baby. She has a hand pump, but it is very slow and not getting much milk. She asked if I knew where she could buy a cheap used electric pump. I immediately though of Hailea, an internet friend of mine who lives in the same small city as this young woman, and whom I have met in person only once before. I knew Hailea breastfeeds and has a new baby, so I figured she would have some knowledge in this area.  I e-mailed Hailea for some advice I could pass on. Not only was Hailea able eager to provide me with list of local resources to help with breastfeeding difficulties, she told me that she had an electric pump she no longer used and offered it to the young woman. Today, she trusted me enough to allow me to come to her home and pick it up on my way to visit the young woman.

When I got to the young woman’s house with the pump, tears came to her eyes. She had expected me to arrive with a some phone numbers, maybe a list of hospitals where she could rent a pump. Instead, I arrived with just what she wanted most in the world, the ability to give her baby the gift of her milk. Hailea enabled me to give that gift to this young woman.

Thank You Hailea. You are a wonderful person and a wonderful friend. Meeting people like you  makes me so proud to be an internet addict!