I am in such a funk these days…

1) I am so upset to have discovered that dairy does, indeed, lead to my recurring tonsillitis. I do not want a tonsillectomy. I also do not want to be dairy free forever (and really, now that dairy in my diet does not bother Charlotte, have lost all will-power to avoid dairy. Amazing what we’ll do for our kids but not ourselves, isn’t it?). I am starting to reconsider the tonsillectomy. However, getting the tonsils out will be harder than it sounds, if I decide to do it. I have no good record of the tonsillitis since I have gone to random clinics over the years for antibiotics, and they often did not even do swabs, just peeked in my throat at my pus covered tonsils. Eventually I got so sick of sitting in waiting rooms that I started getting a personal friend to write the prescriptions for me (I know, bad). So, for me to get them out I need to start going only to my doctor, getting the swabs and prescriptions there and then getting a good record, so that the next time I go to an ENT, he’d recommend it. That also means not doing the things I know help me avoid getting it; avoiding dairy obviously. Before that, I was gargling hydrogen peroxide twice a day, on the ENTs recommendation , and that was helping. (I did it for a year, and only got it twice that year)   So, I’d essentially need to let myself keep getting it for a year, and schlep to my (part-time, busy, which is why I was going to clinics instead of her…once I get it a day without anti-biotics can make the difference in whether I get sick enough to miss a week of work or not), getting a new referral, etc. So, I kind of got myself into a bind here by not getting a good medical record of it back when it was a bigger issue, since I now either need to do what I know I can to avoid it (which includes avoiding dairy) or probably spend a year at least  getting sick over and over again to prove to an ENT I need them out. Ugh. There is also still the fact that I am terrified to get them out.

2) I am completely, totally, utterly overwhelmed by laundry, dishes, etc…and I don’t even do a lot of housekeeping. I do a huge load of laundry every single day, I don’t even know how it gets so big. The dishes are never clean. I wont say my man does not help…but he does not help enough. He’ll tell me he cleaned up the kitchen and I’ll think it is done, only to go down the next morning and discover he filled the dishwasher but did not turn it on so we have no clean dishes, and left the baby’s highchair tray covered in food which is now dried on and needs to be removed before I can give her breakfast. I am not a picky “do it my way” type at all…but I think it is common sense that if the dishwasher is full and the dish cabinets are empty, turn it on! I have been on a cloth diaper break for 3 weeks now, but am 2 days back into cloth. I am dreading the laundry. It did not bug me before…but for some reason I am just at a point now where laundry is really, really getting to me and the thought of adding another 2-3 loads a week makes me feel ill.

3. The nanny comes in a few days. Nothing is ready for her (her room is finished, but full of stuff from the other parts of the basement that are still being worked on and her furniture is in the garage), and I am very nervous about how it will work out, and what I’ll do with her my last month of maternity leave. I know I need her for that time to get to know me and the girls and our home and routines and such…but I want to spend the last month with Charlotte, not with Charlotte and the nanny, and not on my own while the nanny is with Charlotte. I am not sure how to get past that feeling.

5. I don’t want to go back to work. I have enjoyed maternity leave and parenting a baby so much more this time, and am not chomping at the bit to get back to my career like I was last time, but I have no choice. Also, my office has moved, my team has changed, and those above me have changed and there is also a tonne of new policy I’ll have to learn and follow. So, I am just not looking forward to dealing with  all that.

6. My weight, still. I decided a few weeks ago to get it back on track, but in practice have not done much.  I am so annoyed because just when I finally started to get motivated to get in shape, I got the flu…and hadn’t even bounced back from it before I got tonsillitis…so I am finally motivated but really not feeling up to any extra exertion right now, just doing “normal” stuff like laundry leaves me winded and coughing through my tender throat, and I am so tired from being sick for weeks now that I am eating a lot more to keep my energy up. I feel like such a fat, lazy, ugly pig. All the moms I know who had babies when I had Charlotte are back to their pre-pregnancy weight. I am nowhere near it, in fact I am closer to my “having a baby anyday now” weight.

Yeah, so, I am feeling like crap.  That’s all.

1. I have tonsillitis again.  On anti-biotics. Not too sick, but my throat hurts, and I am achy and feverish-especially when I do not rest enough…which is hard to do with the monkey baby to look after.

So, um, yeah…good-bye cheese. I have been told for years that dairy was contributing to my tonsillitis recurrence. I just blew it off…but after 8 dairy free tonsillitis free months, and one month of dairy  indulgence and a return to the pussy tonsils…I am a believer. At least I know I can have the occasional treat without hurting Charlotte and I don’t have to obsessively read labels, but I do  intend to go back to a mostly dairy free diet. I would rather that than returning to a life ruled by my tonsils or agree to the dreaded tonsillectomy! They are mine, flawed and all,  and I am keeping them thankyouverymuch! (not that I am really so attached to my tonsils, it is my surgery free status I am not willing to give up!)

2. So (insert very very bad word here) somehow copied my debit card number and PIN number, made a counterfeit, deposited an empty envelope into account into the ATM saying it had 1400$, and withdrew $1200. Now my account is frozen pending investigation, and I have to live in my credit card, and deal with the awful feeling of being a victim. This just sucks.

This is scary, but I need to tell you all something. Because maybe…just maybe…it will motivate me to do something.

I went to the doctor today for my yearly physical . Pending blood tests, she declared me healthy.

and

189lbs.

that’s right folks. 189lbs. I have NEVER weighed that much not pregnant. It is unacceptable, clearly.

I guess it is time for me to accept that I have not lost my baby weight (I thought I had. I wasn’t weighing myself, and I fit into most of my clothes somehow…I guess my weight has shifted) and do something about it.

So, I have dragged the elliptical back to my bedroom (Now there is not even room to walk in there. Hopefully it’ll encourage my man to complete the computer nook he is supposedly creating so we can get the desk out of there!) Said Goodbye to my Coconut Milk.  Joined spark-people, again.

Wish me luck!

Bad first:
I have been so sick. My fever is not high, but I am achy and miserable all over, especially when my Advil wears off. When I am on it, I am okay as long as I don’t over exert myself-which is difficult. The girl would not get off me or leave me alone all day… and she was so annoying to my achy head AND I am worried about passing it onto her (which is probably unavoidable anyways…but I still feel bad when she is climbing all over me, lying in my bed…etc). Thankfully she has a Halloween party and sleepover tonight. The mother did not mind her coming in spite of my illness, she is a teacher and figures whatever she can get exposed to, she already has. I don’t know if it is H1N1, I really have no way to find out as there is no way am I going to the hospital. Since I do have a fever, aches and (now) a cough and soreish throat…I am sorta assuming it is, but it may well not be. Either way I am sure it is a contagious virus I would prefer not to pass around!

I am hoping that the little 2 days fever Charlotte got was it, and that maybe it was so mild because of BFing? When the girl was nursing, Adam and I go two AWFUL stomach flus (you know, the both ends variety???) and she did not catch either. There were also several times that the entire playgroup got some sort of virus except her…BFing really did seem to help her immunity system a lot. Hopefully the same is true for Charlotte!

Well, I am about 5 hours from my last dose of Advil right now, cross your fingers that I feel a bit better than last time it wore off, and am on the mend.

Then Good:

1) It is hot. Too hot. I know a lot of people have complained about how cool the summer has been, but I am not one of them. I hate the heat. I am hot and crabby and sweaty and anti-social in the heat. Blech.

2) Charlotte is teething. Or has a virus. Or both. She has been feverish and fussy for days. She also HATES medication, to the point that she makes herself throw up if I force it into her…so it has been difficult to keep her temp down and pain under control. Daytime has been okay (with a lot of baby-wearing and nursing) but nights have been hellish. Besides waking a lot more than usual, getting her to sleep has been a chore. Usually she nurses to sleep between 8-8:30pm quite easily, but not in the last several nights. Instead, she has fussy and tired and WILL NOT NURSE (even though she nurses fine all day). She’ll latch for like 2 seconds, then pull off (sometimes after biting me) and starts screaming and crying until she calms down, and nurses again, repeat. Last night she did this for 2 hours, and then the man walked her up and down the stairs until she fell asleep. Seemed to be on the same cycle tonight, but she did eventually settle a bit more easily than last night. Fingers crossed that this is an indication of improvement.  She is lucky she is so cute:

3) I have had to wear Charlotte a lot. I mean, I always have out of the house since it is easier than lugging a stroller all over (I reallly only use one for places like the mall, for quick trips or to go to places I will be setting her down anyways, I never do) but these days  she likes to be close to me always and I have had to wear her at home a lot too, mostly on my back since I cannot get anything done with her hanging from my front. I have a new (to me) Storch and am working on my back carry (not easy). Luckily I can get her on my back in the Mei Tai very easily.

4) Did I mention I am hot and grumpy?

5) I am really into silver these days. Ihave been wearing a pile of silver bracelets I got, and a silver necklace with some Brighton charms my mom got me. I was always a gold girl in the past, but these days for some reason silver is winning me over!

6) I am very very hot. Hot and sweaty and miserable because I am so hot.

7) The girl has morphed into a dramatic, sassy, attitudy, non-listening wannabee tween. Luckily, she is cute too (I don’t have a recent picture you have not seen, loads on the previous post though).

8. Hot. Very Hot.

all I have is some pics. okay, lots of pics:

Char in the Beco

The girl helping Charlotte organize her toys:

My peeps:

Bad kitty:

Adorable WCW skirty:

I think it is time to start baby-proofing:

I forgot to use suncreen on my back today…I was so good about the rest of my body!

I just feel like I need to vent about how down I am feeling these days. It is not PPD or anything like that, I am just feeling really down about a few things in my life, but too lazy and unmotivated to deal with them.

1) My weight. I feel so fat. I normally don’t really mind being a bit overweight (once I get to plus size, I do something about it-but a bit chubby I don’t mind. I’ve been very thin, and it is too much work and no fun) but right now I just feel so flabby and gross even though I am nowhere near my biggest. Unless I want to jog at 4am or 9pm, there is not much I can do about it. My elliptical is folded up in the basement and our house has nowhere to set it up right now. It is hard to watch what I eat when I already feel so deprived by not being able to have dairy or soy.

2) Our house. there are so many things to do, and none of them are getting done. The man ripped out half his closet to make a computer nook (charlotte’s room was the office). He never finished, so now we have a ripped out closet and an office (complete with paper and junk strewn desk desk and cables everywhere) in our bedroom. Our finished basement/playroom is gone. We had a flood down there and it smelled so we stopped using it and started storing junk down there. He finally ripped out the carpet, but it is still a disaster there and it is supposed to be the nanny’s room and playroom again soon. It is impossible to see that ever happening. There are also little house things-painting to be done, California shudders to be fixed, through cleaning to be done.  I feel guilty because I know it is my fault, I am so done being with the kids all week that by the weekend I leave them with the man a lot to do my own things (even if I am home) so he cannot do much arund the house. To make things worse, we live around the corner from a new community all my friends live in, so they all have nice, new, big (my place is tiny) houses and it just makes me feel so awful about our home-even though I actually don’t want to live in the community they live in. I’d kind of like to move, but I also know if we got the house in sell-able condition, I’d probably be happy here anyways. I don’t mind how small our house is, when it is organized and our basement is usable. We have a great location. Of course, the place is also a mess since it is hard to be motivated to keep a disaster zone like this clean and tidy.

3) Charlotte barely naps and needs to be held all the time-or at least actively engaged. She only likes the exersaucer or bouncer if I am sitting front of it singing and talking to her. She is awake all day and is only happy (very happy, mind you!) when I am actively paying attention to her. I am on the computer  so much because I can pretty easily hold her on my lap and talk to her while reading and typing. I am normally a “whatever works” type of mom, but this is getting tired. I cannot flip laundry from the washer to dryer, do my hair and make-up, or put a casserole in the oven without her whining for me.  She is not light and I cannot do a lot of stuff while wearing her. She will only nap (sometimes) if we go out, and does not transfer at all and wakes the minute the car-seat or stroller stops moving. So we go out a lot which means I am spending money (walking around the neighborhood is so boring) and not getting stuff at home done.

4) The girl is with me Tuesday, Thursday and alternate Fridays. She is so demanding. She hates going out (unless I spend money on her)  and likes to play…but I am not a “player” and even if I was Charlotte’s constant need for attention makes it difficult. We go to the park…but there are no other school aged kids there for her, and no moms (all nannies) for me, so it is not so fun. Now she is on the computer playing family channel games way too much. At least it keeps her happy…but I feel guilty for not doing more with her and feel guilty because at some point every day I get very annoyed with her and we end up fighting and crying (usually both of us).The days without her are much easier. I feel guilty about that and want to love being home with my 2 kids…but I don’t. Most people I know  had their kids closer together,  and kept the older ones in daycare full-time for their maternity leaves with the younger ones. I am the only at home mom I know (off the internet) that has 2 kids home with her more than evenings and weekends. So I feel less guilty about it being so hard when I realize that. I love being with either of my girls alone. I love being with both of them for short periods of time. Being with both of them 2-3 days a week (and Saturdays for the last couple months  until last weekend) gets tired fast!

5) I keep losing things. I don’t know what is wrong with me, but I cannot find  things that I need. My 100$ nursing bra (I am F cup, so I need a good one) is gone. So is my camera. I lost my favorite necklace…the man found it though!

6) The diet. No dairy or soy. It is getting easier, but it is still hard. I am someone who loves to eat the things I enjoy…so it is no wonder I am starting to feel depressed, considering it has been over 2 months now since I have had many of my very favorite foods. It also makes it hard for me to eat healthy. You’d think it would be easier…but it is hard to watch what you eat when you are already restricted from eating so many things you enjoy. When I go to a restaurant and there are like 2 things I can eat…of course I want the tastier (more fattening) one. I have never been one with a taste fort healthy foods as it is.

7) I am spending way too much money.  Since I am out of the house so much, trying to keep Charlotte and Zoë happy…and I am of course an emotional spender.  Not to mention replacing all the things I keep losing somehow.

I just need to vent. I don’t need advice, there is nothing to tell me I don’t know. I don’t need help. This isn’t about what someone else can do for me, but what I can do for myself.

I just need to suck it up, deal with the kids on my own for a few weekends and let the man deal with the house.

I need to figure out a way to eat healthy and exercise.  I can jog in the evenings at 8:30 or so after Charlotte goes to bed.

I need to remember summer is coming: It will be better in the summer and next year, the girl will be in every day camp for 6 weeks, and then full time school. 

Right now though, all these things I need to do are easier said than done!

poor momma has a flu cold thing. Congested, feverish, achy, weak, dizzy. Yuck. My nose is so bad I had to resort to nasal mist, something I NEVER use since I over-came an addiction to the stuff (don’t laugh, it is true and was not fun) several years ago. I am being very careful to not overdo it and only use it at night.

poor baby has a little cold herself. She is also congested yet freaks out at any snot removal procedures I attempt. I am considering getting the vacuum suction thingy gaviesgal has…but it’ll probably be too late.  the snot does come out eventually though, all over me. luckily the cold is the only thing she has, since i know some tummy flus have been going around the baby circuit. so far a stuffy nose is all she is suffering though.

charlotte and mommy’s cold thingy have evilly conspired to be coordinated with the 12 week growth spurt, which means charlotte is nursing  every hour during the day, and every 2 hours or so at night (when she usually sleeps through the night, or maybe wakes once at 3-5am). 

with the  growth spurt and cold has come a severe case of mommyitis, resulting in the fact that charlotte will barely let me set her down, even to nap (she is precariously settled into the swing for the moment, not sure how long it will last). she also prefers i not sit down while holding her. i have spent hours over this weekend walking back and forth in front of the TV or computer with her in a carrier.

waaah. I am gonna go nap on the couch now, hopefully she’ll give me half an hour or so.

p.s. my cold is getting a bit better, and i think would be almost manageable by now if the baby was not evil  growing (again, she was 13 and 1/2 pounds last week) and i could get a bit more rest. maybe tonight?

I will give anyone that can provide me with a non-dairy non-soy product that tastes JUST LIKE CHEESE one million dollars. I mean it. Bonus points if you turn it into lasagna for me.

This elimination diet is getting depressing.  For the most part I am used to it now, but at times (especially when I am already feeling sad/depressed/overwhelmed by something…or nothing ) I find it really depressing that I longer can eat what I want to. I am someone who really gets a lot of joy out of eating the things I enjoy…and even though I don’t find it very difficult to find things to eat , not being able to eat what I want to can feel pretty shitty at times.

But, I just cannot imagine switching to formula. I don’t even like the idea of regular formula, imagine how manufactured non-dairy  non-soy formula must be? That said a lot of people do go to formula in this situation, either because they cannot maintain an elimination diet (which I can totally understand), or ignorant doctors tell them it is better for their babies, though in most circumstances, the benefits of breast-feeding (even if you cannot make your milk  100% allergen free) outweigh the risk s of the allergens.

Anways, breast-feeding is just such a part of baby-parenting for me, switching to formula because of this is still not an option. When I see how content my little baby is at my breast, I know I am making the right choice. Not to mention in my opinion dealing with bottles and formula is just a pain in the butt compared to just undoing my bra to feed my baby. In spite of these annoying intolerances of Charlotte’s, I still feel very blessed to be able to quite easily breast-feed my kids.

On the bright side, I am losing lots of weight. My diet used to have way to many breads, pastas and crackers.  I can still eat some of these things-but what good is bread, pasta or crackers without cheese or butter-or both?!

Update 1, sometime in the morning

So, I have now been in the hospital for 5 days with Charlotte. The earliest she will be able to go home is Monday…and that is only IF her bilirubin levels keep stable or going down today.  They had a tiny rebound yesterday…not medically worrisome since she is being monitored and is still now WELL below the very risky or exchange levels, but enough that they need to keep her under the lights at least another day, and we don’t get to leave until she has been off the lights  and maintained low levels for a full day. Today was supposed to be that day, but now it cannot be. Well, probably not…we haven’t seen the doctor yet.

Originally I thought if she got this  Jaundice (it is called ABO incompatability, if  anyone wants to learn more aboout it) it would only be a few extra days (as it was with the girl), and I’d still be home by now.  Now it will be AT LEAST a week away from home.

The man has brought the girl in every day, and she has been doing well, and given her age understands why I am here…but it is getting harder for her, she misses having me at home. I miss her too of course. She reminded me this morning on the phone that I have a baby at home too. Sob.

I am wondering if I should be going home at night.  I don’t want to. Right now Charlotte has not been supplemented at all…and I have my milk so I could possibly pump enough to avoid it (though I am not sure…with the girl even at the height of my supply, I never really produced for a pump). Charlotte is nursing really really really well and I really want to be here around the clock to nurse her on demand, keep that up, and avoid pumping or supplementing (not that I have a huge issue with pumped BM…I just hate pumping and don’t really want to do it if I can avoid it, plus I think since Charlotte is in the incubator and cannot come out except for feeding, I want her to be fed by me).

But is it unfair to the girl? Am I expecting too much from her? Any thoughts?

Also, if I do continue to  stay, any ideas what I could do to make this easier for her?  I am buying her little gifts (her favorite muffin from Timmys, books I know she’ll like from the gift store) for when she comes so she knows I am thinking about her when she is not here, trying to be extra attentive and affectionate when she is here, etc.  Her grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins have also helped to keep her busy and distracted.

I wish this was a bigger better hospital (it is an excellent one, but a community hospital not a downtown one where they have food courts and places to walk to, etc…) with stores and restaurants (there is just a very bad cafeteria/Timmy’s) so I could DO something with her when she visits. As it is, thankfully my room has a TV with a DVD player.

Anyways…any advice would be really appreciated. I feel so guilty for not prioritizing the girl over Charlotte…but Charlotte is a newborn, and sick, and BM is the best thing for Jaundice.

I, BTW, am a wreck. I cannot imagine how Cand all the other women and parents  (there are loads of them here)  who have had babies in the NICU and PICU for long periods of time have managed, but kudos to them because it is really hard. 

I cry all the time, I miss both my babies (even though I am with Charlotte, I can only hold her to nurse her) so much, and I miss my home and my friends (it is hard for them to visit, no kids in NICU ) and the man and my bed and…I just want to take my baby home.

Update #2, evening:

They did take Charlotte of the lights to see what happens, and she is rooming with me. That is great…BUT…I hate feeling like I cannot control my parenting. I need to note when she nurses…etc.  Of course I am nursing on demand, which for her (as it was for the girl at this age) means cluster feeding until she falls asleep after hours of it. And they don’t like it…say she is using me as a pacifier, wont get “full feeds”, etc.  Also, I am having trouble transferring her to the isolette after she falls asleep. They don’t like me just letting her sleep on me (even if I am  not co-sleeping…just giving her lots of time to settle) and they don’t like me holding and nursing her for hours until she is finally settled enough to stay in the isolette.

I am SO SCARED she’ll need the lights again (they are testing soon). They plan to keep her in my room if she does, which one would think is good but isn’t as I CANNOT force her to stay down after nursing her and putting her in the isolette…and if she is under the bililights, she NEEDS to. I am scared if I tell them I want her back out with the nurses if she needs the lights, they’ll look down on me or question my parenting and confidence. But I am VERY confident about my parenting normally…I am just not confident about my ability to force a baby to sleep where she does not want to, and quickly at that…and don’t really care about that at home (plus can use tricks like swaddling that I cannot even try with the bili-lights…she needs to be naked), but if she NEEDS to sleep in a certain place for medical reasons…well…you get it.   I tried it for 2 nights already in the ward, and it was AWFUL. I already feel like it was my fault her jaundice got as bad as it did due to my inability to keep her settled under the lights. Coming to the NICU and letting the nurses take charge of that aspect of her care (I’d nurse her on demand, then they would settle her for me…which they could usually do since they aren’t her mother smelling  like the milk she loves and it is their job and they do it for hundred’s of babies and know every trick in the book…though they did have to get me to top up her nursing twice last night before she’d settle) was SUCH a relief. 

Wish me luck that her test soon will have good results and she wont need the lights again…because if she does she’ll be here longer AND I just don’t know how I’ll manage to keep her under them enough to get her better and get her home.  Just the thought of it makes me feel sick.

Final Update, 10:00pm

Unfortunately, Charlotte is not yet able to keep her levels down without the lights. They went back up (not dangerously so, but since she is ABO positive, enough that it is a rebound that needs to be contained), and she is under the bilirubin lights again. 

Fortunately, I was honest with the nurses that I felt they were better able to keep her under the lights for the maximum amount of time than I was, and that I would feel better to have her with them so they could settle her in the isolette after nursing. They were very understanding, and she is back with them. I miss her and feel guilty for not wanting her in my room with me, but I know it is for the right reason…because having her with me will impede how soon she will get better and come home!

I started today out feeling  guilty about the girl (who I spent a lot of time with today and is doing just fine!), and ended it feeling guilty about Charlotte. Ugh, parenting is guilt, isn’t it?