Archive for pity party
feeling down
I just feel like I need to vent about how down I am feeling these days. It is not PPD or anything like that, I am just feeling really down about a few things in my life, but too lazy and unmotivated to deal with them.
1) My weight. I feel so fat. I normally don’t really mind being a bit overweight (once I get to plus size, I do something about it-but a bit chubby I don’t mind. I’ve been very thin, and it is too much work and no fun) but right now I just feel so flabby and gross even though I am nowhere near my biggest. Unless I want to jog at 4am or 9pm, there is not much I can do about it. My elliptical is folded up in the basement and our house has nowhere to set it up right now. It is hard to watch what I eat when I already feel so deprived by not being able to have dairy or soy.
2) Our house. there are so many things to do, and none of them are getting done. The man ripped out half his closet to make a computer nook (charlotte’s room was the office). He never finished, so now we have a ripped out closet and an office (complete with paper and junk strewn desk desk and cables everywhere) in our bedroom. Our finished basement/playroom is gone. We had a flood down there and it smelled so we stopped using it and started storing junk down there. He finally ripped out the carpet, but it is still a disaster there and it is supposed to be the nanny’s room and playroom again soon. It is impossible to see that ever happening. There are also little house things-painting to be done, California shudders to be fixed, through cleaning to be done. I feel guilty because I know it is my fault, I am so done being with the kids all week that by the weekend I leave them with the man a lot to do my own things (even if I am home) so he cannot do much arund the house. To make things worse, we live around the corner from a new community all my friends live in, so they all have nice, new, big (my place is tiny) houses and it just makes me feel so awful about our home-even though I actually don’t want to live in the community they live in. I’d kind of like to move, but I also know if we got the house in sell-able condition, I’d probably be happy here anyways. I don’t mind how small our house is, when it is organized and our basement is usable. We have a great location. Of course, the place is also a mess since it is hard to be motivated to keep a disaster zone like this clean and tidy.
3) Charlotte barely naps and needs to be held all the time-or at least actively engaged. She only likes the exersaucer or bouncer if I am sitting front of it singing and talking to her. She is awake all day and is only happy (very happy, mind you!) when I am actively paying attention to her. I am on the computer so much because I can pretty easily hold her on my lap and talk to her while reading and typing. I am normally a “whatever works” type of mom, but this is getting tired. I cannot flip laundry from the washer to dryer, do my hair and make-up, or put a casserole in the oven without her whining for me. She is not light and I cannot do a lot of stuff while wearing her. She will only nap (sometimes) if we go out, and does not transfer at all and wakes the minute the car-seat or stroller stops moving. So we go out a lot which means I am spending money (walking around the neighborhood is so boring) and not getting stuff at home done.
4) The girl is with me Tuesday, Thursday and alternate Fridays. She is so demanding. She hates going out (unless I spend money on her) and likes to play…but I am not a “player” and even if I was Charlotte’s constant need for attention makes it difficult. We go to the park…but there are no other school aged kids there for her, and no moms (all nannies) for me, so it is not so fun. Now she is on the computer playing family channel games way too much. At least it keeps her happy…but I feel guilty for not doing more with her and feel guilty because at some point every day I get very annoyed with her and we end up fighting and crying (usually both of us).The days without her are much easier. I feel guilty about that and want to love being home with my 2 kids…but I don’t. Most people I know had their kids closer together, and kept the older ones in daycare full-time for their maternity leaves with the younger ones. I am the only at home mom I know (off the internet) that has 2 kids home with her more than evenings and weekends. So I feel less guilty about it being so hard when I realize that. I love being with either of my girls alone. I love being with both of them for short periods of time. Being with both of them 2-3 days a week (and Saturdays for the last couple months until last weekend) gets tired fast!
5) I keep losing things. I don’t know what is wrong with me, but I cannot find things that I need. My 100$ nursing bra (I am F cup, so I need a good one) is gone. So is my camera. I lost my favorite necklace…the man found it though!
6) The diet. No dairy or soy. It is getting easier, but it is still hard. I am someone who loves to eat the things I enjoy…so it is no wonder I am starting to feel depressed, considering it has been over 2 months now since I have had many of my very favorite foods. It also makes it hard for me to eat healthy. You’d think it would be easier…but it is hard to watch what you eat when you are already restricted from eating so many things you enjoy. When I go to a restaurant and there are like 2 things I can eat…of course I want the tastier (more fattening) one. I have never been one with a taste fort healthy foods as it is.
7) I am spending way too much money. Since I am out of the house so much, trying to keep Charlotte and Zoë happy…and I am of course an emotional spender. Not to mention replacing all the things I keep losing somehow.
I just need to vent. I don’t need advice, there is nothing to tell me I don’t know. I don’t need help. This isn’t about what someone else can do for me, but what I can do for myself.
I just need to suck it up, deal with the kids on my own for a few weekends and let the man deal with the house.
I need to figure out a way to eat healthy and exercise. I can jog in the evenings at 8:30 or so after Charlotte goes to bed.
I need to remember summer is coming: It will be better in the summer and next year, the girl will be in every day camp for 6 weeks, and then full time school.
Right now though, all these things I need to do are easier said than done!
Poor momma, poor baby
poor momma has a flu cold thing. Congested, feverish, achy, weak, dizzy. Yuck. My nose is so bad I had to resort to nasal mist, something I NEVER use since I over-came an addiction to the stuff (don’t laugh, it is true and was not fun) several years ago. I am being very careful to not overdo it and only use it at night.
poor baby has a little cold herself. She is also congested yet freaks out at any snot removal procedures I attempt. I am considering getting the vacuum suction thingy gaviesgal has…but it’ll probably be too late. the snot does come out eventually though, all over me. luckily the cold is the only thing she has, since i know some tummy flus have been going around the baby circuit. so far a stuffy nose is all she is suffering though.
charlotte and mommy’s cold thingy have evilly conspired to be coordinated with the 12 week growth spurt, which means charlotte is nursing every hour during the day, and every 2 hours or so at night (when she usually sleeps through the night, or maybe wakes once at 3-5am).
with the growth spurt and cold has come a severe case of mommyitis, resulting in the fact that charlotte will barely let me set her down, even to nap (she is precariously settled into the swing for the moment, not sure how long it will last). she also prefers i not sit down while holding her. i have spent hours over this weekend walking back and forth in front of the TV or computer with her in a carrier.
waaah. I am gonna go nap on the couch now, hopefully she’ll give me half an hour or so.
p.s. my cold is getting a bit better, and i think would be almost manageable by now if the baby was not evil growing (again, she was 13 and 1/2 pounds last week) and i could get a bit more rest. maybe tonight?
one million dollars
I will give anyone that can provide me with a non-dairy non-soy product that tastes JUST LIKE CHEESE one million dollars. I mean it. Bonus points if you turn it into lasagna for me.
This elimination diet is getting depressing. For the most part I am used to it now, but at times (especially when I am already feeling sad/depressed/overwhelmed by something…or nothing ) I find it really depressing that I longer can eat what I want to. I am someone who really gets a lot of joy out of eating the things I enjoy…and even though I don’t find it very difficult to find things to eat , not being able to eat what I want to can feel pretty shitty at times.
But, I just cannot imagine switching to formula. I don’t even like the idea of regular formula, imagine how manufactured non-dairy non-soy formula must be? That said a lot of people do go to formula in this situation, either because they cannot maintain an elimination diet (which I can totally understand), or ignorant doctors tell them it is better for their babies, though in most circumstances, the benefits of breast-feeding (even if you cannot make your milk 100% allergen free) outweigh the risk s of the allergens.
Anways, breast-feeding is just such a part of baby-parenting for me, switching to formula because of this is still not an option. When I see how content my little baby is at my breast, I know I am making the right choice. Not to mention in my opinion dealing with bottles and formula is just a pain in the butt compared to just undoing my bra to feed my baby. In spite of these annoying intolerances of Charlotte’s, I still feel very blessed to be able to quite easily breast-feed my kids.
On the bright side, I am losing lots of weight. My diet used to have way to many breads, pastas and crackers. I can still eat some of these things-but what good is bread, pasta or crackers without cheese or butter-or both?!
Day of Updates
Update 1, sometime in the morning
So, I have now been in the hospital for 5 days with Charlotte. The earliest she will be able to go home is Monday…and that is only IF her bilirubin levels keep stable or going down today. They had a tiny rebound yesterday…not medically worrisome since she is being monitored and is still now WELL below the very risky or exchange levels, but enough that they need to keep her under the lights at least another day, and we don’t get to leave until she has been off the lights and maintained low levels for a full day. Today was supposed to be that day, but now it cannot be. Well, probably not…we haven’t seen the doctor yet.
Originally I thought if she got this Jaundice (it is called ABO incompatability, if anyone wants to learn more aboout it) it would only be a few extra days (as it was with the girl), and I’d still be home by now. Now it will be AT LEAST a week away from home.
The man has brought the girl in every day, and she has been doing well, and given her age understands why I am here…but it is getting harder for her, she misses having me at home. I miss her too of course. She reminded me this morning on the phone that I have a baby at home too. Sob.
I am wondering if I should be going home at night. I don’t want to. Right now Charlotte has not been supplemented at all…and I have my milk so I could possibly pump enough to avoid it (though I am not sure…with the girl even at the height of my supply, I never really produced for a pump). Charlotte is nursing really really really well and I really want to be here around the clock to nurse her on demand, keep that up, and avoid pumping or supplementing (not that I have a huge issue with pumped BM…I just hate pumping and don’t really want to do it if I can avoid it, plus I think since Charlotte is in the incubator and cannot come out except for feeding, I want her to be fed by me).
But is it unfair to the girl? Am I expecting too much from her? Any thoughts?
Also, if I do continue to stay, any ideas what I could do to make this easier for her? I am buying her little gifts (her favorite muffin from Timmys, books I know she’ll like from the gift store) for when she comes so she knows I am thinking about her when she is not here, trying to be extra attentive and affectionate when she is here, etc. Her grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins have also helped to keep her busy and distracted.
I wish this was a bigger better hospital (it is an excellent one, but a community hospital not a downtown one where they have food courts and places to walk to, etc…) with stores and restaurants (there is just a very bad cafeteria/Timmy’s) so I could DO something with her when she visits. As it is, thankfully my room has a TV with a DVD player.
Anyways…any advice would be really appreciated. I feel so guilty for not prioritizing the girl over Charlotte…but Charlotte is a newborn, and sick, and BM is the best thing for Jaundice.
I, BTW, am a wreck. I cannot imagine how Cand all the other women and parents (there are loads of them here) who have had babies in the NICU and PICU for long periods of time have managed, but kudos to them because it is really hard.
I cry all the time, I miss both my babies (even though I am with Charlotte, I can only hold her to nurse her) so much, and I miss my home and my friends (it is hard for them to visit, no kids in NICU ) and the man and my bed and…I just want to take my baby home.
Update #2, evening:
They did take Charlotte of the lights to see what happens, and she is rooming with me. That is great…BUT…I hate feeling like I cannot control my parenting. I need to note when she nurses…etc. Of course I am nursing on demand, which for her (as it was for the girl at this age) means cluster feeding until she falls asleep after hours of it. And they don’t like it…say she is using me as a pacifier, wont get “full feeds”, etc. Also, I am having trouble transferring her to the isolette after she falls asleep. They don’t like me just letting her sleep on me (even if I am not co-sleeping…just giving her lots of time to settle) and they don’t like me holding and nursing her for hours until she is finally settled enough to stay in the isolette.
I am SO SCARED she’ll need the lights again (they are testing soon). They plan to keep her in my room if she does, which one would think is good but isn’t as I CANNOT force her to stay down after nursing her and putting her in the isolette…and if she is under the bililights, she NEEDS to. I am scared if I tell them I want her back out with the nurses if she needs the lights, they’ll look down on me or question my parenting and confidence. But I am VERY confident about my parenting normally…I am just not confident about my ability to force a baby to sleep where she does not want to, and quickly at that…and don’t really care about that at home (plus can use tricks like swaddling that I cannot even try with the bili-lights…she needs to be naked), but if she NEEDS to sleep in a certain place for medical reasons…well…you get it. I tried it for 2 nights already in the ward, and it was AWFUL. I already feel like it was my fault her jaundice got as bad as it did due to my inability to keep her settled under the lights. Coming to the NICU and letting the nurses take charge of that aspect of her care (I’d nurse her on demand, then they would settle her for me…which they could usually do since they aren’t her mother smelling like the milk she loves and it is their job and they do it for hundred’s of babies and know every trick in the book…though they did have to get me to top up her nursing twice last night before she’d settle) was SUCH a relief.
Wish me luck that her test soon will have good results and she wont need the lights again…because if she does she’ll be here longer AND I just don’t know how I’ll manage to keep her under them enough to get her better and get her home. Just the thought of it makes me feel sick.
Final Update, 10:00pm
Unfortunately, Charlotte is not yet able to keep her levels down without the lights. They went back up (not dangerously so, but since she is ABO positive, enough that it is a rebound that needs to be contained), and she is under the bilirubin lights again.
Fortunately, I was honest with the nurses that I felt they were better able to keep her under the lights for the maximum amount of time than I was, and that I would feel better to have her with them so they could settle her in the isolette after nursing. They were very understanding, and she is back with them. I miss her and feel guilty for not wanting her in my room with me, but I know it is for the right reason…because having her with me will impede how soon she will get better and come home!
I started today out feeling guilty about the girl (who I spent a lot of time with today and is doing just fine!), and ended it feeling guilty about Charlotte. Ugh, parenting is guilt, isn’t it?
