1) It is hot. Too hot. I know a lot of people have complained about how cool the summer has been, but I am not one of them. I hate the heat. I am hot and crabby and sweaty and anti-social in the heat. Blech.

2) Charlotte is teething. Or has a virus. Or both. She has been feverish and fussy for days. She also HATES medication, to the point that she makes herself throw up if I force it into her…so it has been difficult to keep her temp down and pain under control. Daytime has been okay (with a lot of baby-wearing and nursing) but nights have been hellish. Besides waking a lot more than usual, getting her to sleep has been a chore. Usually she nurses to sleep between 8-8:30pm quite easily, but not in the last several nights. Instead, she has fussy and tired and WILL NOT NURSE (even though she nurses fine all day). She’ll latch for like 2 seconds, then pull off (sometimes after biting me) and starts screaming and crying until she calms down, and nurses again, repeat. Last night she did this for 2 hours, and then the man walked her up and down the stairs until she fell asleep. Seemed to be on the same cycle tonight, but she did eventually settle a bit more easily than last night. Fingers crossed that this is an indication of improvement.  She is lucky she is so cute:

3) I have had to wear Charlotte a lot. I mean, I always have out of the house since it is easier than lugging a stroller all over (I reallly only use one for places like the mall, for quick trips or to go to places I will be setting her down anyways, I never do) but these days  she likes to be close to me always and I have had to wear her at home a lot too, mostly on my back since I cannot get anything done with her hanging from my front. I have a new (to me) Storch and am working on my back carry (not easy). Luckily I can get her on my back in the Mei Tai very easily.

4) Did I mention I am hot and grumpy?

5) I am really into silver these days. Ihave been wearing a pile of silver bracelets I got, and a silver necklace with some Brighton charms my mom got me. I was always a gold girl in the past, but these days for some reason silver is winning me over!

6) I am very very hot. Hot and sweaty and miserable because I am so hot.

7) The girl has morphed into a dramatic, sassy, attitudy, non-listening wannabee tween. Luckily, she is cute too (I don’t have a recent picture you have not seen, loads on the previous post though).

8. Hot. Very Hot.

I just feel like I need to vent about how down I am feeling these days. It is not PPD or anything like that, I am just feeling really down about a few things in my life, but too lazy and unmotivated to deal with them.

1) My weight. I feel so fat. I normally don’t really mind being a bit overweight (once I get to plus size, I do something about it-but a bit chubby I don’t mind. I’ve been very thin, and it is too much work and no fun) but right now I just feel so flabby and gross even though I am nowhere near my biggest. Unless I want to jog at 4am or 9pm, there is not much I can do about it. My elliptical is folded up in the basement and our house has nowhere to set it up right now. It is hard to watch what I eat when I already feel so deprived by not being able to have dairy or soy.

2) Our house. there are so many things to do, and none of them are getting done. The man ripped out half his closet to make a computer nook (charlotte’s room was the office). He never finished, so now we have a ripped out closet and an office (complete with paper and junk strewn desk desk and cables everywhere) in our bedroom. Our finished basement/playroom is gone. We had a flood down there and it smelled so we stopped using it and started storing junk down there. He finally ripped out the carpet, but it is still a disaster there and it is supposed to be the nanny’s room and playroom again soon. It is impossible to see that ever happening. There are also little house things-painting to be done, California shudders to be fixed, through cleaning to be done.  I feel guilty because I know it is my fault, I am so done being with the kids all week that by the weekend I leave them with the man a lot to do my own things (even if I am home) so he cannot do much arund the house. To make things worse, we live around the corner from a new community all my friends live in, so they all have nice, new, big (my place is tiny) houses and it just makes me feel so awful about our home-even though I actually don’t want to live in the community they live in. I’d kind of like to move, but I also know if we got the house in sell-able condition, I’d probably be happy here anyways. I don’t mind how small our house is, when it is organized and our basement is usable. We have a great location. Of course, the place is also a mess since it is hard to be motivated to keep a disaster zone like this clean and tidy.

3) Charlotte barely naps and needs to be held all the time-or at least actively engaged. She only likes the exersaucer or bouncer if I am sitting front of it singing and talking to her. She is awake all day and is only happy (very happy, mind you!) when I am actively paying attention to her. I am on the computer  so much because I can pretty easily hold her on my lap and talk to her while reading and typing. I am normally a “whatever works” type of mom, but this is getting tired. I cannot flip laundry from the washer to dryer, do my hair and make-up, or put a casserole in the oven without her whining for me.  She is not light and I cannot do a lot of stuff while wearing her. She will only nap (sometimes) if we go out, and does not transfer at all and wakes the minute the car-seat or stroller stops moving. So we go out a lot which means I am spending money (walking around the neighborhood is so boring) and not getting stuff at home done.

4) The girl is with me Tuesday, Thursday and alternate Fridays. She is so demanding. She hates going out (unless I spend money on her)  and likes to play…but I am not a “player” and even if I was Charlotte’s constant need for attention makes it difficult. We go to the park…but there are no other school aged kids there for her, and no moms (all nannies) for me, so it is not so fun. Now she is on the computer playing family channel games way too much. At least it keeps her happy…but I feel guilty for not doing more with her and feel guilty because at some point every day I get very annoyed with her and we end up fighting and crying (usually both of us).The days without her are much easier. I feel guilty about that and want to love being home with my 2 kids…but I don’t. Most people I know  had their kids closer together,  and kept the older ones in daycare full-time for their maternity leaves with the younger ones. I am the only at home mom I know (off the internet) that has 2 kids home with her more than evenings and weekends. So I feel less guilty about it being so hard when I realize that. I love being with either of my girls alone. I love being with both of them for short periods of time. Being with both of them 2-3 days a week (and Saturdays for the last couple months  until last weekend) gets tired fast!

5) I keep losing things. I don’t know what is wrong with me, but I cannot find  things that I need. My 100$ nursing bra (I am F cup, so I need a good one) is gone. So is my camera. I lost my favorite necklace…the man found it though!

6) The diet. No dairy or soy. It is getting easier, but it is still hard. I am someone who loves to eat the things I enjoy…so it is no wonder I am starting to feel depressed, considering it has been over 2 months now since I have had many of my very favorite foods. It also makes it hard for me to eat healthy. You’d think it would be easier…but it is hard to watch what you eat when you are already restricted from eating so many things you enjoy. When I go to a restaurant and there are like 2 things I can eat…of course I want the tastier (more fattening) one. I have never been one with a taste fort healthy foods as it is.

7) I am spending way too much money.  Since I am out of the house so much, trying to keep Charlotte and Zoë happy…and I am of course an emotional spender.  Not to mention replacing all the things I keep losing somehow.

I just need to vent. I don’t need advice, there is nothing to tell me I don’t know. I don’t need help. This isn’t about what someone else can do for me, but what I can do for myself.

I just need to suck it up, deal with the kids on my own for a few weekends and let the man deal with the house.

I need to figure out a way to eat healthy and exercise.  I can jog in the evenings at 8:30 or so after Charlotte goes to bed.

I need to remember summer is coming: It will be better in the summer and next year, the girl will be in every day camp for 6 weeks, and then full time school. 

Right now though, all these things I need to do are easier said than done!

Finally.

I have not been saying much and I guess you all could use some updates:

1) C at Life on Manatoulin awarded me the Brilliant Blogger award! Thanx C. Muah!  I pass it along to Shipoopi (I don’t know where I found him, but he is too funny and has adorable twins!), D’rae, Karen Meg, John Mayer, Dreaming up Daisy,  and Cori.

Here are the ‘rules’ for this award
-Once an award is received, these are the rules:
-Put the logo on your blog.
-Be sure to add the link from the person that sent it to you!
-Nominate at least 7 other blogs.
-Be sure to add those links to your blog too!
-Oh, and leave a message on their blogs so they know they are nominated! (I am not doing this. If you don’t make it to my blog, you don’t really deserve the award!)

2) I am loving Chiro. I have been going twice a week for about 3 weeks now, and changed to a  Chiro who is closer to home who specializes in pregnancy. I am not headache (who could be in this weather) but am doing much better. I also notice much less back and neck pain since I started. I always though Chiro was BS…now I am re-thinking it! Besides helping me to feel better, it is also very relaxing! This is my last week at twice a week, next week I graduate to once a week!

3) We went to Buffalo on Sunday. It was a whirl-wind trip involving 4 hours of driving and about 4 hours actually spent in Buffalo. The man has long wanted to try The Cheescake Factory, and so we did. We had pasta, pizza and Banana Cream…da da da da…cheesecake. It was quite yummy, but nowhere I would drive 2 hours for again anytime soon. We also hit Target, where I have never been but have heard raved about. Eh. It is like a neater cleaner Wal-Mart. I did like the maternity and kids clothing lines alright…but since summer is almost over it was not a good time to shop as the summer stuff is all pretty picked over and we don’t need it anyways, and the fall stuff is barely in stock. I know a lot of people live for Cross-Border shopping, but not me. I love to shop, but don’t feel like we are lacking in cute and affordable things in Canada at all…and I get to avoid the drives and the hassle. For the few American things I really want, there is always Ebay. I did enjoy picking up some handsoaps at B&BW though!

Eh, I guess that is all I have to say for now. Time for The Tudors!

Pet Peeves

1. Shovelling the snow.

2. Cleaning the snow off my car.

3. Stupid husbands the cover slides with snow to make them fast and then go down them, shooting off them into the ground and injuring their tailbones and then saying they cannot shovel or clean cars.

4. Stupid husbands that leaves a cars that has not moved in 3 years in the garage so my car has to be left out and snow covered.

5. People that drive with a foot of snow on the rops of thier vehicles (usual these are the evil SUV people).

6. The salt stains all over my jeans.

Pleasant things

1. Taking a bath to make my shoveling weary back feel better.

2. Using this in the bath, and this after the bath.

3. How pretty the snow looks on the trees.

4.  Seeing this, in May (thanx mom and dad!)

5. It’s Friday.

We had fun. I have a brutal cold and my ears are still plugged form last night’s flight. More later.

Sorry to be so MIA. It has been a crazy week, and I have been stressed and tired, and therefore neglecting you all.

1. I have been very very busy at work, as I am off for the next 2 weeks, and it was a short week.

2. I have had a cold, and not been feeling well.

3. It is Diva time, which adds to my tiredness and laziness and and not feeling well.

4. I have had some personal drama, but it is cleared up now, and all is good.

5. This has been me:

So, sorry to have been away so much. I will be around a lot next week, and have some books and cosmetics to share. For now, I will leave you all with a question. Do you think the girl is Avril’s secret love child?

1. I bought a new coat. I know I said I wouldn’t, but I lied. It was just what I was looking for, my size, and cheap (Joe, of course). I have actually been eyeing it for months, but never ever found it in my size. I knew if I did, I would buy it. But when I wrote that post, it had been so long since I had seen it in the store at all, it was not likely. Then yesterday it was there. Just one left. My size. Fit perfectly. It was meant to be.

2. My novel? Not so much.

3. I start Hebrew school today. A free lesson for parents at the girl’s school. Good times.

4. I have been really lazy at sparkpeoplelately. It is clear to me that I am the weight I am now for good (barring any extreme situation or lifestyle change) so I am not tracking food and exercise anymore unless I start gaining weight. I will keep tracking weight and measurements to monitor myself and stay accountable.

5. My birthday is in 2 days. 34.

6. My anniversary, 7 days. 6.

7. Dinsey world trip, 14 days. 

Good

1. We went to a farm for pumpkin picking today.

2. The girl’s friend is coming over for a playdate next Saturday.

3. C is in town.

4. my nails look nice.

5. I got a butternut squash today. I LOVE butternut squash.

Bad

1. It was too cold tom play at the farm, so we just got our pumpkins and some other local produce and left.

2. The girl’s friend was supposed to come today, but she was sick…the girl cried about it all last night.

3. C met up with Gaviesgal, KarenMEG and Nathanial’sMommy, but not me. Damn job.

4. My cuticles still hurt.

5. I have to cook the squash.

GOOD

1. I have been working really hard at eating healthy, and exercising.

2. I am glad I am vegetarian again.

3. We are invited to a wedding in Maui.

4. I had Pad Thai for lunch today, at Springrolls. I love it there. LOVE.

5. The walk is Sunday.

6. I got a Zeno…and it works.

7. I have surpassed my record on the elliptical.

BAD

1. I’ve only lost, like, 1 lb since I started really being “good” again.

2. I miss turkey and swiss cheese sandwiches

3. I am not sure we can go to the wedding, due to scheduling and money.

4. Pad Thai was a pretty bad choice.

5. I have to be at the walk at 7am, and it is about 40 minutes away from my home, and we have plans the night before…yawn.

6. I need the Zeno.

7. My legs hurt all the time due to the elliptical.