This is scary, but I need to tell you all something. Because maybe…just maybe…it will motivate me to do something.

I went to the doctor today for my yearly physical . Pending blood tests, she declared me healthy.

and

189lbs.

that’s right folks. 189lbs. I have NEVER weighed that much not pregnant. It is unacceptable, clearly.

I guess it is time for me to accept that I have not lost my baby weight (I thought I had. I wasn’t weighing myself, and I fit into most of my clothes somehow…I guess my weight has shifted) and do something about it.

So, I have dragged the elliptical back to my bedroom (Now there is not even room to walk in there. Hopefully it’ll encourage my man to complete the computer nook he is supposedly creating so we can get the desk out of there!) Said Goodbye to my Coconut Milk.  Joined spark-people, again.

Wish me luck!

well, if I had lipstick on I would be…but it is 9:30 and I have been home for hours!

next, I need to get my weight under control. Maybe oin 6 more months….

I just feel like I need to vent about how down I am feeling these days. It is not PPD or anything like that, I am just feeling really down about a few things in my life, but too lazy and unmotivated to deal with them.

1) My weight. I feel so fat. I normally don’t really mind being a bit overweight (once I get to plus size, I do something about it-but a bit chubby I don’t mind. I’ve been very thin, and it is too much work and no fun) but right now I just feel so flabby and gross even though I am nowhere near my biggest. Unless I want to jog at 4am or 9pm, there is not much I can do about it. My elliptical is folded up in the basement and our house has nowhere to set it up right now. It is hard to watch what I eat when I already feel so deprived by not being able to have dairy or soy.

2) Our house. there are so many things to do, and none of them are getting done. The man ripped out half his closet to make a computer nook (charlotte’s room was the office). He never finished, so now we have a ripped out closet and an office (complete with paper and junk strewn desk desk and cables everywhere) in our bedroom. Our finished basement/playroom is gone. We had a flood down there and it smelled so we stopped using it and started storing junk down there. He finally ripped out the carpet, but it is still a disaster there and it is supposed to be the nanny’s room and playroom again soon. It is impossible to see that ever happening. There are also little house things-painting to be done, California shudders to be fixed, through cleaning to be done.  I feel guilty because I know it is my fault, I am so done being with the kids all week that by the weekend I leave them with the man a lot to do my own things (even if I am home) so he cannot do much arund the house. To make things worse, we live around the corner from a new community all my friends live in, so they all have nice, new, big (my place is tiny) houses and it just makes me feel so awful about our home-even though I actually don’t want to live in the community they live in. I’d kind of like to move, but I also know if we got the house in sell-able condition, I’d probably be happy here anyways. I don’t mind how small our house is, when it is organized and our basement is usable. We have a great location. Of course, the place is also a mess since it is hard to be motivated to keep a disaster zone like this clean and tidy.

3) Charlotte barely naps and needs to be held all the time-or at least actively engaged. She only likes the exersaucer or bouncer if I am sitting front of it singing and talking to her. She is awake all day and is only happy (very happy, mind you!) when I am actively paying attention to her. I am on the computer  so much because I can pretty easily hold her on my lap and talk to her while reading and typing. I am normally a “whatever works” type of mom, but this is getting tired. I cannot flip laundry from the washer to dryer, do my hair and make-up, or put a casserole in the oven without her whining for me.  She is not light and I cannot do a lot of stuff while wearing her. She will only nap (sometimes) if we go out, and does not transfer at all and wakes the minute the car-seat or stroller stops moving. So we go out a lot which means I am spending money (walking around the neighborhood is so boring) and not getting stuff at home done.

4) The girl is with me Tuesday, Thursday and alternate Fridays. She is so demanding. She hates going out (unless I spend money on her)  and likes to play…but I am not a “player” and even if I was Charlotte’s constant need for attention makes it difficult. We go to the park…but there are no other school aged kids there for her, and no moms (all nannies) for me, so it is not so fun. Now she is on the computer playing family channel games way too much. At least it keeps her happy…but I feel guilty for not doing more with her and feel guilty because at some point every day I get very annoyed with her and we end up fighting and crying (usually both of us).The days without her are much easier. I feel guilty about that and want to love being home with my 2 kids…but I don’t. Most people I know  had their kids closer together,  and kept the older ones in daycare full-time for their maternity leaves with the younger ones. I am the only at home mom I know (off the internet) that has 2 kids home with her more than evenings and weekends. So I feel less guilty about it being so hard when I realize that. I love being with either of my girls alone. I love being with both of them for short periods of time. Being with both of them 2-3 days a week (and Saturdays for the last couple months  until last weekend) gets tired fast!

5) I keep losing things. I don’t know what is wrong with me, but I cannot find  things that I need. My 100$ nursing bra (I am F cup, so I need a good one) is gone. So is my camera. I lost my favorite necklace…the man found it though!

6) The diet. No dairy or soy. It is getting easier, but it is still hard. I am someone who loves to eat the things I enjoy…so it is no wonder I am starting to feel depressed, considering it has been over 2 months now since I have had many of my very favorite foods. It also makes it hard for me to eat healthy. You’d think it would be easier…but it is hard to watch what you eat when you are already restricted from eating so many things you enjoy. When I go to a restaurant and there are like 2 things I can eat…of course I want the tastier (more fattening) one. I have never been one with a taste fort healthy foods as it is.

7) I am spending way too much money.  Since I am out of the house so much, trying to keep Charlotte and Zoë happy…and I am of course an emotional spender.  Not to mention replacing all the things I keep losing somehow.

I just need to vent. I don’t need advice, there is nothing to tell me I don’t know. I don’t need help. This isn’t about what someone else can do for me, but what I can do for myself.

I just need to suck it up, deal with the kids on my own for a few weekends and let the man deal with the house.

I need to figure out a way to eat healthy and exercise.  I can jog in the evenings at 8:30 or so after Charlotte goes to bed.

I need to remember summer is coming: It will be better in the summer and next year, the girl will be in every day camp for 6 weeks, and then full time school. 

Right now though, all these things I need to do are easier said than done!

I have really been a gluttonous pig since Florida. I have gained 5 lbs and several inches in various places since Mid-November. I feel fat and my clothing does not fit the way I want it to. I have been okay (not great, but not horrid) with exercising, but really have not been paying attention to my diet at all. So I am going back on my word and going back to Sparkpeople for a while…I hate tracking and for the most part find that when I get to a good weight for me, I can maintain it pretty easily without tracking…but Florida and then the Holidays and all the treats they entail, as well as various personal issues, have gotten me so off track I need to do something to get back on. So back on I will be. Starting tomorrow. I’ll even let you all follow me here!

P.S. I have also decided to start eating poultry again. I find that when I am not eating poultry, I fall back on carbs, dairy and fried foods way way too much! When I lost the weight a few years ago, I was often eating frozen low-fat caloried controlled dinners as my lunches or as dinner when I made something I did not want to eat for my family…that is much harder if I don’t eat poultry. Also, due to my job I eat on the road a lot, and I use dot always get a Turkey and Tomato sandwich (I know, just veggie is lighter, but blech) so since I have not been eating meat, I have had to resort to Filet O’ Fishes or just fries instead when I  had to hit I drive through if I wanted ot eat-not good! As well, I just feel like I do not get enough protein when I don’t eat some meat. I know that many vegetarians are able to maintain a balanced diet and lose weight or maintain a healthy diet weight but I just don’t like Veggies and legumes enough to do that! So white chicken and turkey are back in my diet…no gristle please!

So D and I hit the mall early today for some Boxing Day shopping. We had fun together, but there was really not much to buy. There were no spring/summer clothes on sale, and the winter stuff was very picked over and mostly stuff that had already been on sale for weeks. Also,  I don’t really need anymore winter clothes and have gained about 6lbs in the past few months (hello writer’s strike good-bye elliptical) and just don’t feel like trying on clothes until I feel better about myself again. There wasn’t even anything to buy for the girl, as she only wears dresses and there were tonnes of girl’s separates on sale, but only holiday dresses which she does not need. I looked for the man too, but all the nice men’s stuff was either super big or super small  (though I admit, I didn’t look too hard for him!).

I did score a pair of boots though. I decided I need flat(ish) boots as I have been wearing a lot of leggings and long sweaters/short sweater dresses this winter, and it looks sorta…um…trashy with high heel boots, and wrong with shoes. I avoided the dreaded hideous Uggs(yes M, I know they are comfy, but I just cannot do it! They belong in the Hell I normally reserve for Crocs) and scored these instead. Cute, eh:

I also have swollen, pus filled, scarred tonsils. I took a picture for ya’ll, but it is scary, so click here if you dare. I am feeling better though, the fever and sick feeling are almost gone, just another day or so of sore throat, and another 7 days of anti-biotics to contend with.

As for what I want. I WANT A Wii! NOW! I played it for the first time at my cousin’s house today, and let me just say, it is like crack. I would drop those 6lbs like nobodies business if just I had a Wii. As it is, I’ll just have to invite myself to my cousin’s house every day, until I score a Wii for myself. Cousins, listen here: Sorry, but I will not return the favour and invite you to my home for lunch.  I’ll cook for you. I’ll clean for you. I’ll even baby-sit you kids and walk your dog. But any future get-togethers will be at the house with the Wii. And that’s your house. Deal with it. Or give us the Wii. It’s up to you (see ya at 9am tomorrow, k? I’ll phone at 6 to make sure you are awake).

P.S. I know that there are some cute Uggs online, but I have never actually seen them. Luckily, I have never seen these in real life either. It is a good thing, as I think if I did I would have to gouge my eyes out:

P.S. S. Sorry I have been not around much lately. Between being sick and being very busy at home and work right now, I have been rather remiss in my blogging duties. I’ll try to be around more in the New Year! I know how much you all must suffer when I am not here for you…

I have been really, really lazy lately. I have not exercised (except my dance class) in about 2 weeks. I have been so physically and emotionally exhausted, I just couldn’t do it. I hopped on the elliptical last Thursday evening, and hopped off 2 minutes later!

Today, day 2 of my vacation,  no more! Time to get off my butt. I considered jogging since it is not too cold today, but decided against it as my right ankle is already feeling tender for some reason. I considered the elliptical, but there is nothing on TV I want to watch, and I am going out tonight and don’t want to leave it until later.

Then, I remembered an old favorite of mine, power Yoga! I have been enjoying  the Rodney Yee Stamina, Strength and Flexibility series on and off since before I had the girl, and I have always enjoyed the mix of exertion, stretching, toning work, balance, flexability and…ahh…relaxation that Power Yoga gives me.

Before I got pregnant, I got really into Power Yoga and was doing at least one of these DVDs about 3-4 times a week. I loved how it made  me feel, and though it is probably not (on it’s own) great for losing weight, it is the perfect amount of exercise to maintain my weight, keep up my endurance, and get in some toning-or it was back then, anyways. I am kinda there now. Too much is going on in my life to be focused on weight loss or hard core exercise right now, but I don’t want to get lazy and lose the gains (via loss) that I have made over the past couple years. Also, I feel better (physically and emotionally) when I am exercising and staying active. I certainaly don’t want to get into that downward emotional spiral that laziness brings (laziness begets laziness, you know!).

I don’t know yet if I am gonna hop back on the elliptical, get intoPower Yoga again, or do some combination of the two. I can, however, say that for today’s foray back into exercise, a power yoga workout was just right!

Oh, and Rodney is a treat for the eyes:

1. I bought a new coat. I know I said I wouldn’t, but I lied. It was just what I was looking for, my size, and cheap (Joe, of course). I have actually been eyeing it for months, but never ever found it in my size. I knew if I did, I would buy it. But when I wrote that post, it had been so long since I had seen it in the store at all, it was not likely. Then yesterday it was there. Just one left. My size. Fit perfectly. It was meant to be.

2. My novel? Not so much.

3. I start Hebrew school today. A free lesson for parents at the girl’s school. Good times.

4. I have been really lazy at sparkpeoplelately. It is clear to me that I am the weight I am now for good (barring any extreme situation or lifestyle change) so I am not tracking food and exercise anymore unless I start gaining weight. I will keep tracking weight and measurements to monitor myself and stay accountable.

5. My birthday is in 2 days. 34.

6. My anniversary, 7 days. 6.

7. Dinsey world trip, 14 days. 

1. We were suppose to perform tomorrow night. Now we aren’t. That is a good thing, as we will in 8 weeks and it’ll be so much better then. But I was psyched for it, so I am disappointed.

2. I have been on spark-people for over a month now, keeping to my fat and calorie limits. I have also been exercising a lot more, and harder. But I am not losing weight. I am losing inches, but not many.

3. I am borrowing a costume from my instructor (it was her mom’s I think. She is tiny). The top, amazingly, fits me fine and is super cute. I could not get into the bottoms, and had to pin the belt onto my own pants. The other women in my class are all very thin. I feel so fat and ugly and disgusting next to them. I know I am much more fit and in better shape than I was a couple years ago and that I am in good shape for naturally chubby me right now…but I am still nowhere near thin and I don’t know how to get there. I don’t know how to watch what I eat even more carefully or fit in even more exercise without feeling miserable and getting obsessed. 

*This post was brought to you by P.M.S.

*I think I will have a costume made for me. Even though it will cost money, I am sure I will look much better and feel much better about myself in a costume that fits me.

GOOD

1. I have been working really hard at eating healthy, and exercising.

2. I am glad I am vegetarian again.

3. We are invited to a wedding in Maui.

4. I had Pad Thai for lunch today, at Springrolls. I love it there. LOVE.

5. The walk is Sunday.

6. I got a Zeno…and it works.

7. I have surpassed my record on the elliptical.

BAD

1. I’ve only lost, like, 1 lb since I started really being “good” again.

2. I miss turkey and swiss cheese sandwiches

3. I am not sure we can go to the wedding, due to scheduling and money.

4. Pad Thai was a pretty bad choice.

5. I have to be at the walk at 7am, and it is about 40 minutes away from my home, and we have plans the night before…yawn.

6. I need the Zeno.

7. My legs hurt all the time due to the elliptical.

here. (for some reason it would not open in explorer, but did in firefox)

Man, that is depressing. As most of you know,  I lost about 35lbs about 18 months ago (well I started about 18 months ago, finished about 6 months ago, though I lost most of it in the first 6 months, so I have maintained most of it about a year…yeah me!!!)…and want to lost 15-20 more. I have upped my exercise to reach this goal, and started tracking my food again to cut out the indulgences I have been letting myself have a little too often lately. I really don’t want to eat less or healthier than I do now (which may not be great to many of you…but it very good for me since I would seriously be very happy to live on cheese and pasta and never touch another vegetable, legume or whole grain for the rest of my life…and if I like something, there is no limit to how much of it I can happily eat).

Discovering that working out more may not help me dump the last pounds, that I may be stuck where I am unless I seriously cut my food intake to the point where I am just not enjoying eating anymore is…well…very saddening.

I will still keep exercising because it is good for me, because I like (some of) it, and because I am not sure I truly believe it is not helping me lose weight as long as I keep tracking my calories and do not let myself overeat to make up for it.

I can say I lost most of the 35lb with dietary changes and not exercise…I only added exercise in the last 5lbs or so.

I was very thin in university and exercised a ton…but I also ate very little so I cannot say which one really contributed to it.

I generally would say I lose weight more with diet than exercise…but I maintain the loss easier if I am exercising. I have only gained 5lbs since I lost the 35lbs. My diet got much much worse over the past year than it was when I lost the weight, but I have for the most part kept active (the last month was a bad one…but prior to that I did).

What do you think of the article? Which do you think helps lose weight more, diet or exercise?

P.S. Maybe it no longer matters (wah) but I am pretty proud of myself because today I did something I have not done in…well…ever. I JOGGED. I was walking and decided to add some jogging in to up my heart-rate. What I did was jog as much as I could (usually about a residential block) then walk 100 steps (no, I didn’t count, I have a pedometer) and then jog again. I went about 2k in 25 minutes.  I was surprised by how much I enjoyed it.

The great thing about walking or jogging is you cannot stop. On the elliptical, if I get tired or lazy or distracted, I can tell myself “good enough” and get off. With jogging, once you get out there, you have to keep going to get home. Of course, you can stop jogging and walk…but walking is still a lot better for you than sitting in front of the TV with (or even without) a bucket of ice cream! Also, if you are feeling lazy and anxious to get home, it motivates you to jog so you can be home and done with exercising faster!

Another thing I found motivating was that I felt like I was being watched. I know no one really cares if I am jogging or walking…but I also know when I see someone jog, I often think “I wish I did that…it looks so healthy and shows real commitment to exercise since she doesn’t even have to watch Gossip Girl to do it”. It was nice to think maybe someone was saying that about me…and pushed me to get jogging whenever I saw that I was approaching someone. More likely, they were saying “doesn’t she know Payless running shoes suck??”