If I climb a mountain and nobody knows it, did I still climb it?

I have been struggling with ego lately. Because I’m all kinds of awesome!

Okay, so that’s not true. There are lots if areas in which I am lacking.

But, I also am proud of a lot of things lately. Maintaining my weight loss. Running (most of) my second half marathon. Staying off wheat. Most of all…currently…some improvements I’ve made in yoga.

I always hear in yoga “leave your ego at the door”, “leave your ego off the mat”, “there is no place for ego in yoga”.

So, there is my struggle. I have worked hard at my practice, I can now practice poses I did not even understand a few months ago…and I am proud of it. I like to share my pride. I like to look at pictures (because I cannot see my form in class, even when there is a mirror, I usually cannot see it if I am holding a pose properly) but I also like to share them. I like to hear that I’m awesome. Indeed, I eat it up!

I suck.

But it’s how I am. I like attention. I like praise. I drink it up. I am like a cup that can never be full. I’ve always been like this. I’m not sure why. I suspect it is because I grew up as an underachieving (less smart, less cute, less popular, just less) twin…but I’m not sure. Maybe it is just how I’m wired. All I know is that for me, if an achievement is not shared (and praised), it is lessened. I guess there is some progress…because there was a time I probably would have said (or felt anyways) that an unrecognized achievement was not worth achieving. I don’t feel that way anymore…and there are definitely things I accomplish that please me whether or not anyone knows or praises them. But, ultimately…I still love attention and recognition. It is what motivates me to be so…um…motivated to push myself so hard at everything I do (Except housework. Case in point. Nobody cares if my house is spotless…so it’s not!)

Certainly, I am not the only person like this. There are super accomplished and well known yogis who post videos of themselves doing advanced practices in skimpy clothing all over the Internet, and websites devoted to people sending in pictures of their yoga practice…afterall! Clearly, they enjoy the attention their practice (and bodies) get.I am sure they post to inspire others (as do I. I know I don’t have a rocking body after all…and I do hear all the time that is inspiring to see a formerly-obese-still-curvy middle aged mom like me practice yoga or run) but I am sure it is also for the regognition and admiration (as do I).  But there are also articles like this. That inspired this post.

I read recently (I forget where) “Climb a mountain to see the world, not to be seen at the top of the mountain” (or something like it). THAT is how I want to live…but I don’t know how to find that person inside myself…because right now, if I climbed a mountain…I’d be too busy posing for Facebook pictures to enjoy the view.

Wow. This post has been serious. Let’s laugh a little, shall we?


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