Yesterday, somebody called me fat. It was somebody who was angry at me and lashing out when I said something this person did not want to hear.
I get that.
But I still felt like crap. What I said to myself afterwards was “Call me mean. Call me a bitch. Tell me to fuck off. But DON’T CALL ME FAT.” I meant it.
Which made me feel awful. Because lots of people are fat, and are awesome people. It is much worse to be a bitch then to be fat, but I would still rather be called a bitch. What does that say about me?
Well, in my defense, I get called a bitch often. I know it isn’t true. I know it is said in anger, or because someone for whom I cannot do what they want really thinks I am a bitch. I know I’m not. I know I do my best, even if some of my clients don’t realize how hard I try to do the best I can for them. So being called a bitch doesn’t really bother me. People call women they are mad at bitches all the time, whether they are or not. It isn’t okay, but I’m used to it. I can take it.
But being called “fat” is so mean, and personal. Also, although I may not be “fat” exactly…I am not thin either, and there are people this person would not have called fat no matter what, because it would be just ridiculous to do so. But it is not ridiculous to call me fat…the reality is that even though I am in great shape for me, and don’t think I am fat anymore..objectively…I have friends who would be joining weight watchers if they were anywhere my size or weight. There are people that truly do consider me fat, I’m sure of it. I am usually okay with that…I don’t have to hear it, this is how I built and how I am and I have done the best I can…but it is still a sore spot for me. So someone actually saying it, calling me fat, even in anger, really really hurt. Over 24 hours have passed, and tears still come to my eyes to think about that moment. Also, to think someone wanted to hurt me badly enough to say the one thing that really could. That feels awful too. What if it is a reflection of how I do my job, that I am so bad at it that someone wanted to hurt me like that? I know that’s not true…but the fear is still there.
So yeah. I’m feeling sorta sucky.
In other crappy news:
•I picked up a car seat (not mine) to install it today. Pee poured out of it, all over my legs.
•In yoga class I tried to do headstand without a wall. I can do this at home, but not in class. I rarely try. Once again, I failed. So depressing. If I could not do it at all, it would be something to work towards. But being able to do it at home but not in class is just…sad. (in a tiny bit of brightness I did, for the first time ever, feel my butt hit my heels in child’s pose though.)
So the last few days have kinda sucked. So much that when I left yoga (in a storm…I’m scared of storms and had to force myself out the door to save the embarrassment) I had to sit in my car and cry a little.
A good run would help, but it is storming.