Tomorrow is the Downsview Half Marathon I was planning to run.
I am so sad about it today. I am also very relieved that it was to have been my third half and not my first…I know if it was my first than it would be much worse. To not know if I could do it. To not know if I’d ever try again. To just know I didn’t.
I also find myself questioning myself a lot. Wondering if maybe I could have run it if I’d pushed myself harder to overcome my ankle problem and get back to running…instead of doing what I did which was deciding I wasn’t running again for awhile. I haven’t even seen my beloved sport chiro for it. Or my foot. I just…stopped. I stopped running over a month ago, and have no idea when I’ll start again.
I wonder if I gave up so easily because I didn’t really want to run another half marathon. Well…train for another. The race is fine (less than 3 hours of my life) but training is hard, especially since I do it all alone, and I was just coming up to the bad part (which for me is the runs longer than 6 miles) when I sprained my ankle.
In reality, I know I probably could not have run the race anyways. Besides my ankle issue, my hip had been getting worse again, and is never really resolved the ball of foot issue I started dealing with in the spring. I am almost sure the ankle plus hip plus foot issues would have made for a very bad race, if I made it to race day at all. It certainly would gave taken a lot if quality time with my chiro, and most likely orthotics and an ankle brace. It would have had to be my complete focus for the last 6 weeks…all while working, parenting, and dealing with a very consuming (at that time) anxiety issue (which is much improved but not completely better). It really was not realistic for me, physically or emotionally, to keep at it.
But it is also true that a part of me is very relieved to not have to do the training again. To have stopped my long runs before they got long enough to be hard. I am ashamed of and disappointed in that part of myself.
I know I shouldn’t be. I’ve done it before, after all. I’ve done it twice. I have the ability and will power to do it…and had I not had the rolled ankle I’m sure I would have done it again even if I didn’t like it.
And really, why should there be shame in not wanting to train for a half-marathon anyways? Even if I’d never run one? Lots of people have never run a half marathon and don’t want to…it doesn’t make them less.
I guess it is because running was that turned me into something is never been before…a fit person. A very fit person. A person fit enough to do something that so many people think they could never do, that I thought I pcould never do. A person strong enough to overcome that voice that says “I could never run 21 kilometres”. I was so proud to be that person, and now I feel like I’m not. I guess I still am…but I feel like I’m not.
I am also ashamed at myself for not going for the 5k instead, as I had originally planned. I’m sure I could have done that…I probably still could…but the truth about that is running 5k is nothing to me…taking time off from running meant more to me (until today when I’m regretting it) than running a 5k race would at this point in my running. Unless I could run it very very fast…but I don’t think I can.