Angry at myself

I am so mad at myself.

I am sure some of my readers remember that last summer and fall, after my car accident, I started suffering from driving anxiety, mostly on the highways. After it got really bad (like I could no longer get on, even the quietest parts of the quietest highways) I sought help, did some CBT, and began to recover.

I am fine now. I mean, it is not quite as mindless as it was before the accident. Before I get on, I am always aware that I will be taking the highway and am a tad concerned I will have a “bad” drive (even though it has been a long time since I have)…once I get on and into the flow though, I am fine. I am even listening to books again when I am on the highway, instead of music…which was all I could do for a while because I could then sing when I got anxious, plus I felt like focusing on books took too much focus from the road.

Today I did, for the second time since then, my toughest drive. It is to St. Catharines and it is a hard drive for me because the second half of it is on the highway towards then US, which is fast, busy and full of larger trucks. It is also hard for me because it has a huge bridge (which I’ve complained about before). I am terrified of it…was before the accident. I hop off to take the small lift bridge next to it and get back on…this is not a big deal and adds about 5 minutes to my trip…10-15 if the bridge goes up, which is pretty rare. I have not driven over this stupid bridge in 6 or 7 year, since I learned the detour. before then I did it a couple times…but hated it and practically hyperventilated. I’d have to get off the highway after to settle!

Since my therapy, I have been determined to go over the bridge. Put on music I can sing to and just do it. I have now gone twice, so that is 4 opportunities. All 4 times…I have chickened out at the last minute!

I am so mad at myself. I feel stupid for not taking this opportunity to confront a fear, but also stupid for being so disappointed in myself…since I only go to this place 2-3 times a year anyways and the detour is so quick and easy, so who even cares ya know? On one hand hand it seems stupid to not do it after working so hard to overcome other areas of driving anxiety. On the other hand it seems to stupid to beat myself up over this one niggling little area of driving anxiety I haven’t overcome.

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