I hate…

How something as small as picking the cheese off a slice of leftover pizza can fill me with so much self hatred.

It was the “crust” (like half the slice) that Lotte left over. I order Gluten free…light on the cheese and sauce…for myself. So I was picking the globs of extra cheese off Lotte’s. I usually dump it in the garbage disposal immediately after she is done with it. I could not stop myself from picking today. Which fills me with disgust at myself. Which is wrong.

I’ve been “maintaining” around 135lbs for over a month now, pretty easily. Which is totally what I was trying to do…but inside I am mad at myself for not continuing to lose. It doesn’t help that my friend who is almost my height went on a diet recently and is now about 15lbs less than me…she weighed less than me when she started her diet! In my head I know I worked hard to get to my current 135, and that it is a perfectly healthy weight that looks good on me (really, anything up to around 150 looks perfectly fine and “not-fat” on me) and that I can maintain without making myself crazy…but in my heart I hate myself for not having what it takes to be skinny and still being fat enough that women smaller than I am start diets. 

I saw this commercial recently. I like it. I hate the “fat talk” that is often in my head. However, I also find it a bit ironic. I learned from Special K that if I eat their cereal I won’t be able to “pinch an inch” (I can!) and will look great in a tight red dress. I feel Special K commercials, focused entirely on promoting foods to make and keep women slender, have certainly done their part in promoting the fat talk!

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