Down in the dumps

I’m having a rough time. I’ll vent here. Because it’s my place and I can.

1. There have been a few health crisis in my family over the past 6 months. Not me, Adam or the kids…so I am grateful for my healthy home. But it’s still been rough, and stressful, and worrysome and demanding. I also feel a lot of guilt because I have not been available, physically or emotionally, for my loved ones the way I wish I could be. I’m just too physically and emotionally overwhelmed with my own stuff. People often think I should be good at dealing with the emotional stuff of a social worker. That is not true, First of all, because my job is to deal with people’s trauma and troubles…by the time I get to my own life, I am overwhelmed with that and done. The second reason is quite simply dealing with people that you have a work relationship with, and dealing with yourself and the people that are part of your personal life…very very different.

2. Tax season has been awful for Adam this year, which has made it awful for me. He has been working late, all day Saturdays, and parts of Sundays consistently since February. That’s a lot of time I’m on my own with the kids. I’m not good at doing it so much. I haven’t had time to exercise how I like and have barely ran. The kids fight all the time and get on my nerves like crazy. I’m impatient with them. It’s just a lot. In past years tax season has not been this busy for Adam, and I’ve had a bit more help with the kids. This years, for various reasons, it’s been a nightmare and almost all me…and I’m so over it.

3. I was supposed to do the Sporting Life 10k again this year, but I’m not. Firstly, nobody registered to do it with me (I’ve gone to loads of races alone but won’t for this one). Secondly (and likely why they didn’t) it has been an awful running winter and spring. Way too cold and wet for runners like me and my running friends (who like me are not hard-core runners who will run in anything) to run much. So, I’m totally not prepared. Besides the weather Adam’s crazy work schedule has given me almost no time to run since I’m almost always either at work or on my own with the kids. It’s all valid but I am really disappointed. It was going to be my 4th time doing this race. I was aiming for under an hour (and think I could do it with the proper training) and am super sad to not be going. Maybe I will make it up to myself and register for a great 10k in the fall?

4. My marriage. No, it’s not awful…but I got a tattoo (dove on my inner right wrist) in November and my husband hates it. We are no longer arguing about it or even talking about it, and are getting along okay…but I know he still hates it, and feel like something in our marriage has been hurt. I know he wants me to remove it, and it’s something I keep considering. A part of me wants to remove it, because I do regret hurting my marriage, and because I know it would make him happy. But a big part of me also doesn’t want to. First of all, there is the fact that it is an expensive and painful procedure. Removing a tattoo isn’t like getting one (which was, for me and my tiny little dove, quick and easy and not particularly painful), it takes multiple appointments, eight weeks apart…and every appointment is painful, as are a few days afterwards. You have to actually watch your tattoo be burned off your skin, it peels and scabs and oozes. It seems like a horrible thing to go through, especially to remove something that I love. And that’s the other reason I don’t want to remove it. I do love it. I feel bad that he hates it, but that doesn’t change that I love it. I have always wanted a tattoo, my regular readers will know that it is something that I have brought up many times over the years…and people that have known me from before my blog will know that it is something I have wanted since I knew they existed. It took me a long time to get up the nerve to actually do it, but now that I have… I just love it. I feel like it is a love letter to myself, it tells me exactly what I need to hear…that I can be who and what I want to be, that I can fly. Not only would removing it mean that I wouldn’t have it, removing it would make that no longer true. Not only would that be an awful thing for me to do to myself, but I have a sense that our marriage but not really improve. I imagine we would just have a new problem, because I don’t think I would be able to get over him making me feel like I had to do that. Anyway, for now I am not doing anything about it. It remains, I keep it covered around him as well as I reasonably can…wearing long sleeves or bracelets out, and either long sleeves or a sweatband over my wrist when I am relaxing at home. But at some point, one of us has to give. Either he has to tell me that he is over it, that we are fine, and he’s accepting it. Or I have to tell him that I’m getting removed and do it. We cannot be at the stalemate forever…I don’t think. So it is on my mind a lot and I don’t know how to make it better. Obviously, there are a lot of different opinions among my friends and family about whether or not I should’ve gotten the tattoo and whether or not he should be so upset. There are people that say it is my body, I absolutely should’ve gotten it, and he just has to learn to live with it. There are people that say I knew how he felt, and I shouldn’t have done it. I don’t know who’s right and who’s wrong, I don’t know what’s right and what’s wrong. I knew he didn’t like them but when I got it I wanted it so badly they I somehow convinced myself that it wouldn’t be as big a deal to him as it was…that similarly to my piercings he would shake his head about it, and then forgot about it, or that he would see how tiny and “nothing” it was an realize it just wasn’t worth caring about. I was wrong.

5. Work. I cannot talk about it here, suffice to say work has been crazy and stressful recently for many reasons, some of them related to workload and busyness and training, some of them related to things that have happened with our clients that have been difficult and upsetting.

5. Yoga. My beloved Ashtanga teacher has been teaching twice a week my current studio for several months now, and it has been amazing. I went about six months without practicing with him (or a comparable teacher), and was so glad to start again. Having a regular Ashtanga practice is amazing for me, both my mind and body. I have also made a lot of progress in the time he’s been back. Unfortunately, maintaining the class wasn’t working for him, and it is finished as of May. This is not going to be horrible for my exercise schedule, another teacher I like will be doing a vinyasa class on the Tuesday nights, and the Thursday night class is being replaced by a barre class that I already took last week and was excellent. There are also yoga classes on Monday and Wednesday night I like…but I will definitely feel the loss of practicing Astanga with a great teacher twice a week. There have been multiple times that this is happened to me now, in the two years or so I’ve been trying to practice Ashtanga. Every time, I feel a loss, and wonder when or if it will return to my life. Of course I can practice at home, but it is just not the same…nor is it really easy to do with my schedule and homelife.

6. Over the last few years I have spent a lot of money on things I probably shouldn’t of…clothing, handbags and footwear, eating out, etc. I have a lot of debt. It has not all been that kind of spending…also the kids programs and camps and car repairs and household repairs other things that are required. Although we have decent incomes…we don’t have the kind of incomes required to live the way I have been living. I think things are kind of hard for me, because we live in a middle to upper-class area and circle, and most of our friends and relatives make (or somehow have) significantly more money than we do. They can afford to have it all (although I’m sure they don’t feel they way. It’s all relative right? But compared to us it feels like it)…nice items, nice homes with upgrades and renovations, fun outtings, nice family vacations. We cannot, but it is hard to accept that and resist making expensive plans with friends, and buying the sorts of things they do (I do want to add that I buy everything either on sale, or used. It is not like I am buying new full-priced designer clothing and handbags and footwear. Everything I buy except household necessities, from the cheapest tank top at Old Navy to a designer handbag, is bought on sale or through some sort of deal. But even things that are very good deals add up). Because I have spent so much on some things, other things have not happened. We have not been on a “big” vacation since going to Disney World in 2007, and we have not been away even on a beach vacation since summer 2012. There is a lot of work that needs to be done on our home, and really I would love to renovate some things. Anyway, I recently consolidated all of that credit card debt onto my line of credit, and I’m trying to pay it down. I’ve made some changes, and sold a bunch of stuff, and done well, so that’s good. But there is still a far way to go. I feel like we really can’t do some of the things that I would really like to do, like some upgrades on the house on a vacation, until I’ve paid down a lot more. The vacation part really bothers me. I really really want to go on a nice family vacation soon. It seems that everyone I know has been away recently, or will be going away recently…or both. It almost makes me cry just looking at Facebook, seeing everyone talk about vacations, and knowing that we don’t have one to look forward to. I am not one of those people that is really “into” travel, and feels like we need to get away on a major trip once or twice a year. I do, however, like to travel and like the way it tends to make my family feel closer and happier (which we could really use right now)…so I’m definitely feeling the lack of our annual summer vacation, and I’m really starting to wish we could go on another big vacation to Disney it a cruise or an all-inclusive. I don’t know when that is going to happen. I would’ve liked to consider doing it in May or June, after tax season and before summer vacations when prices tend to be a bit lower…but because of something going on at work, I couldn’t even consider looking for a deal. Maybe August? I just don’t know. My vacation time isn’t even confirmed yet and every time I look at my line of credit I realize we shouldn’t be considering it this year anyways.

Anyway, I don’t want to bring anyone done with my negativity. There is still lots of good in my life. I still have a healthy and (mostly) happy home and marriage. I still have good supportive friends and family. I am still maintaining the weight I lost back last summer and fall and feeling great about that!

But right now, I’m finding myself feeling very down…on the verge of tears often…and just felt like laying it all out might help.

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