Yes I’m alive

Another few weeks since I’ve posted.

I’ll tell you why. With one caveat (and I’ve made it before). Even though I like writing about my problems…I do not like talking about them. I find it helpful to vent. I find it annoying when people who are not me and not living my life try to give me advice. I know it’s well meaning…but I don’t like it. So if you are a real life friend, please follow my lead. If I want to talk about these issues with you, I’ll bring them up. If I don’t, I won’t. Respect that or I will shut you out (mean but true).

So I’ve been struggling with anxiety, a lot. To the point that there is always an anxious pit in my stomach and when I’m not doing the stuff I have to do (work, parent, housekeep, exercise) all I want to do is eat peanut butter, drink wine, and watch mindless comedy (The Mindy Project) on Netflix. I haven’t been reading or blogging and have isolated myself (somewhat, not completely) socially. Not that I have social anxiety…just that every plan I make (even pleasant plans) feels like am effort to follow through on and my instinct is to avoid doing anything or going anywhere I don’t have to! I have even gained weight…just 5lbs…but it sucks.

There are a few issues contributing to my current state.

One is work. I’ve always loved my job but the last few months (last 18 months, actually), have been very stressful and overwhelming…workload wise and emotionally. I don’t usually mind the 9-5 aspects of my work…but several work related issues have been so overwhelming for me that I am thinking and worrying about them all the time. I have a hard time pushing these worries out of my head. They are always there, keeping me from sleeping, from relaxing, from being present for the other things that matter.

The other is personal. There have been a lot of things in my personal life that have made me less complacent and able to believe “everything will work out” than I have in the past. These worries are also always swirling in my head, contributing to sleepless nights and a pit in my stomach. Worries about my heath, my kid’s health, something bad happening. I never before worried too much about these things, but lately have been a bit (lot) neurotic in this regard.

About a month ago I finally realized that my state of anxiety had moved from being short-lived, acute and reactive to bring chronic and NOT OKAY.

When I do talk to people about these issues, everybody tells me to change/do my job differently, or take meds. But neither of these things are happening right now. My job is what it is and no significant changes that will make it easier are coming, and although I would never ever discount the benefits of psychotropic medications, I know my problem is in the way my thoughts react to situations, and my solution is in working on those thoughts not changing my brain chemistry.
 Bad grammar, don’t care ^^^^

Instead, I have found (made) the time and returned to the therapist I saw for my driving issues a few years ago. She has been working with me (through CBT and hypnotherapy) in coping with my anxiety, slowing my mind down, stopped drinking (to relax, I’ll still have a glass with friends!) and improving my sleep.

I am doing the work, and slowly coming around to a better place, finding joy in my job, peace in my head, and sleeping at night again.
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I am adding some pics of last weekend (Halloween!) and today, because my hair looks good and I like my outfit (Suzy Sheir top, Parasuco jeans, Ugg Conor Boots)!

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Adding a picture of my new (bought used, from a 13-year-old) Uggs. I hate ugly Uggs, but love these!

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