As I assume most of my readers know, I seem to struggle a lot with my weight, and deciding whether not to lose some.
The background is that (after being obese) I lost around 40 pounds in 2010, kept most of it off for several years, and lost the last 20 pounds or so, to get to my ideal weight, in 2013. Unfortunately, since 2013, I have gained 15 pounds back, most of them in the last eight months or so. I don’t really know why, because my habits have not changed, but it has been an ongoing issue for me.
I put some extra efforts towards losing that weight again, but have only succeeded in losing 2 pounds in about three months! I was extremely motivated to lose the weight for last weekend, when we went to the Bahamas. I didn’t though.
When I got home and looked over my pictures and thought about my trip, I realized I hadn’t mattered. I had gone away weighing 10 (I gained back a little of the weight I lost quite quickly, and the rest quite recently) pounds more than I did the last time I went on a beach vacation…and it hadn’t changed anything. I still wore the same clothing, including bikinis! I still felt fit, and active, and good about myself, had a wonderful time with my family. Maybe I didn’t feel quite as good about myself as I had the year before, but I certainly didn’t feel awful.
So I came home deciding that maybe, gaining that 15 pounds wasn’t the worst thing ever. Maybe, since I’d been able to maintain my former “slightly over ideal” weight for so long and clearly could not maintain (or even get back to) my ideal weight, the former weight was my ideal weight! Maybe, I just stay how I am. I am fit, I am active, I can wear all my clothing, I like the way I look and feel usually, I do not have to go to ridiculous calorie counting efforts to maintain my weight, and since I’ve started weight-lifting I am getting more toned and tighter, even if it’s not showing on the scale. (I have only lost 2lbs in 3 months, but my clothing fits a lot better!)
Here’s the thing though, I am invited to a wedding in August, and my daughter’s Bat Mitzvah is in November. I really don’t want to buy two new dresses, and obviously I will be buying something new for the bat mitzvah. The only dress I have dressy enough for the wedding, no longer fits me. It’s this one:
Also, even though my trip last week and did make me realize that 15 pound weight gain wasn’t something awful, I do have to admit that it would feel great to be back to my ideal weight for our next vacation, BlueMountain in August…and also for both the wedding and the Bat Mitzvah! Now I have to decide, do I try to lose the weight I’ve gained…at least 10 pounds of it so I can fit back into the dress, or do I stay how I am, and hopefully just find something relatively affordable for August, and something fabulous for November? Besides trying to make this decision, honestly, for the first time in my life, almost in a position where I don’t really know if I can lose the weight. I know that sounds weird, but I have truthfully be putting forth all efforts for the past three months, carefully tracking everything I eat and all my exercise, and this has always led to me losing weight in the past (quickly at first, and then of course with some plateaus), but this time I have lost only 2 pounds! I do know that probably part of the reason is because I’ve started weightlifting and strength training, and build some muscle (even though I’ve only lost 2 pounds in those three months, my clothing is fitting much better, and I am fitting back into jeans that I could not wear when I started these extra efforts three months ago)…but I’m sure that’s not all of it! I have considered some radical solutions, like a paid weight-loss program or going sugar-free…but I have to admit that I really don’t want to do these things. I exercise regularly and eat healthily…I don’t really want to have a more restrictive diet than I already do. Gluten intolerant and vegetarian (which I know is a choice, but it honestly doesn’t feel like a choice for me. Something clicks in my head, I get horrified by the thought of eating animals, and that’s that) is hard enough, especially when eating out or with other people…which I like to do often! It seems kind of silly to go to these measures to lose 10 pounds or so, especially when I know I am perfectly fine the way I am. However, like I have complained in the past, there is just this struggle in me that’s hard to get rid of…the struggle between accepting being average size, or a little bit chubby…and wanting to be “thin”, even though it is obvious that I am just not made to be that way, since it takes a ridiculous effort for me to get there and I can never maintain it. Oh well, I’m just musing here. I’m going to add some pictures from our trip though! We spent four days in Paradise Island and had an incredible time!