What happens at 6am

I’m mostly sleeping well, but early morning are my bad time, when my mind wanders to places and questions I wish it wouldn’t:

Fear
I’ve never had surgery, what will that be like? How about chemo? Will I have tonsillitis the whole time? Will radiation hurt and burn me? What if it spread? What if that twinge in my tummy is cancer? Why does my left boob feel achy? What if I need a masectomy? How will I cope? What about my kids? What if I die?

Anger
It’s not fair. I’ve suffered enough. The last few years have been full of illness and even death among my loved ones. Now is supposed to be my good time when all the crisis are resolved and I have a great new job. Why me, why now? It’s not fucking fair. 

Shame
People all over the place have terminal cancer and worse illnesses. People in Israel are being stabbed, stoned, and killed. Syrian refugees are dying. Breast cancer is common and usually very treatable. Lots of women I know are survivors. Why am I such a drama queen? 

Blame
Did I do this to myself? Because I used Splenda? Because I drank milk? Because I use mainstream non-organic fruit and vegetables and cleaners?  Because I had too much pride in my body and karma is a bitch? Somehow, this must be my fault.

Then, a kid jumps in the bed, and I start my day. 


P.s.  I know it’s not my fault. I know it’s just bad luck. But those thoughts are still there. 

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2 thoughts on “What happens at 6am

  1. You are going to have many days like this. I don’t have any magical answers for you.
    Everyone’s experience is different. Just try to find the good and the “funny” going. That made it slightly easier for me.
    And let people help you. You’ll need it even if you think you won’t.
    Reach out if you need to vent or have questions.
    I’m here for you. 💗

    • Thank you. I will certainly try to take your advice. I am a little too good at finding the funny sometimes (I think some of my friends are already horrified by some of the things I’ve said, but making myself laugh helps) so that’s one step!!!

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