Sliver of hope 

As I’m sure you all know by now, I’ve decided to no longer question if my lump is malignant. There is an over 95% probability that it is, so I’m going with that and moving onto other hopes; that it’s as small as it seems, that there are no other spots, that it’s not aggressive, that it isn’t in the lymph nodes, that if it is in lymph nodes it’s just a little.

So, hope that it’s benign? Extinguished. It’s easier that way.

But

Today I got the call from the hospital, my biopsy results are in. I’m to meet with the surgeon next Tuesday to get the results.

So now I’m suddenly thinking, “why Tuesday? Is it because it’s benign, because they think it’s OK for me to wait another five days?”. I know more likely it’s because Tuesday is her day at the clinic, as my last meeting with her was also  on a Tuesday (and she told me at the meeting that even though it is likely malignant, it is small and slow growing and we don’t have to rush to treat…so..I’m pretty sure I am giving myself false hope, which i have tried to be avoiding for the last while. Ooops)

But still, I’ve allowed this tiny little sliver of hope to slide in. I know that seems like a good thing, hope seems like a good thing, but as I said…I’ve moved onto hoping for other things. Because waiting to find out whether or not it’s cancer, is brutal, and it seems silly to put myself through it when I have been told there is a higher than 95% chance it is.

Also, I guess it will be a bit embarrassing if it’s not. I already told everybody it is (which seemed perfectly reasonable until a few minutes ago, when I got the call and was told to come in Tuesday instead of tomorrow). Hopefully my friends will forgive me and celebrate with me!

Mostly, I’m just musing. Letting my readers into my brain a little bit.

On with my day.

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