Over the last couple weeks, life has gotten pretty normal for me, except for the occasional medical appointment. I’ve been doing everything I’ve always done; working, working out, going out with friends, going shopping, enjoying my family. The first few weeks were not like that, I was still working, but every moment was full of anxiety and fear, and I couldn’t enjoy my regular activities. I couldn’t shop (!!), or sleep, I could barely eat.
Even though nothing has really changed since then, and what has changed has actually gotten worse, because it’s almost definitely (huh? Does that even makes sense?) cancer, I’m doing better. People keep asking me how I am, and when I tell them I’m honestly fine, they look at me with a tilted head, they don’t believe me. But it’s true, right now, I am honestly fine. Of course I have my not fine moments…but don’t we all? There are two reasons for my mostly fine status:
1: Everything, every trauma, gets better and easier to handle in time, unless somebody is having suffering from mental health difficulties. We all have trauma, but resolving trauma is something we do, and if this was not the case, we would all be curled up in fetal balls in our own little corners.
2. I made a choice. After a couple weeks of wallowing, I chose to enjoy this time. Instead of feeling bad and spending my time feeling sorry for myself, angry, and anxious as l wait to find out exactly what I’m dealing with and how I’m going to be dealing with it, I’m looking at it like a gift. Some people have no time between discovering they have cancer (or another serious illness) and starting treatment. I do. I’ve probably (see yesterday’s post) got a few weeks until I become a cancer patient, and then I will be a patient for at least a few months and I am aware that everything will change; how I feel, how I look, what I’m up to accomplishing. So I’ve chosen to spend the these weeks living my life as normally as always, and accomplishing as much as I possibly can.