I’m trying so hard to be positive, optimistic and happy. Usually I’m okay. Really. Not just faking it until I make it. Really truly okay.
Today was not one of those days.
I had the day off work today to get my biopsy results.
This morning I had a vet come visit Princess, her appetite has been on and off for the past few weeks, and then she has not eaten at all in the last three days. The vet said that she was in advanced kidney failure, we could try to get her into the clinic and perk her up which iv, but it would be expensive and time-consuming and not give her much more time. So I decided to have her put down, it was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made. She died in my arms (after peeing all over me), and it was heartbreaking. She has been my companion for 15 years. Before I got engaged, got married, had kids. Having her near me has always been such a source of comfort for me, and I was envisioning her by my side whenever I was home alone during my treatment.
In addition to my heartbreak, my children are heartbroken. I’m particularly worried for Zoe who has become very very attached to princess over the last few years.
Just one hour after saying goodbye, I had to go to the hospital to get my results. I told myself that maybe it was a good thing, maybe two really really shitty things couldn’t happen in one day.
Even though I expected it, hearing the words “you have breast cancer” took my breath away.
Surgery will be on November 27, it feels forever away. It’s good news because it’s after Zoë’s bat mitzvah, bad news because it’s a long time away. The surgeon absolutely insists that it will not change my outcome one bit. I will have a lumpectomy and sentinel node biopsy, will need radiation, and the results of the surgery will take dictate the rest of my treatment.
The next month should be pretty uneventful, a few appointments. I’m going to try my best to enjoy them, make the most of this time before I start treatment.
But today I’m just sad. Because things just shouldn’t turn shitty so quickly.