Radioactive

Today I took a little step towards becoming cancer free. I had seed localization. That means that they inserted a little radioactive seed into my tumor, so that when I have surgery on Friday, the surgeon will be able to find the right spot easily with a Geiger.

I’m glad to say that the procedure was quick and easy, very similar to the biopsy I had a month ago. like the biopsy, I did cry a little right before they put the needle in. I’m not sure why, I knew it wouldn’t hurt, but there’s something about knowing that a needle is getting poked into my cancerous boob that always makes me cry. Oh well.

In very good news, they did an ultrasound to place the seed, and also measured the tumour. Tumour is the exact same size that it was on October 19, when I had the ultrasound guided biopsy. Later in October, when the surgeon and I chose the date of November 27 for my surgery, she absolutely promised that the tumour would not grow in that month. I tried to believe her, but as I’m sure is normal, this little part of my head was terrified that the tumour was growing and growing, taking over all the healthy tissue and spreading beyond. I am very pleased to hear that that has not happened, both because I don’t want the tumour to be any bigger than it is, and because hopefully it means it is not particularly aggressive. Of course I have no idea if it means that or not, but its certainly a nice thought. Like every other medical professional I have seen through this process, the radiologist said that it was very small and quite surprising but I found it myself at all. I shall throw in a little reminder, please do self exams!

In other news, a lot of people have told me I’m going to get through this because I am so strong and brave. I know those people are trying to be helpful, be positive and supportive, and I appreciate it. But it’s important to remember that people that I know and love, and a lot of people that my friends and family know and love, have died of cancer and other serious illnesses. These people were no less strong, no less brave, than me. If I beat this (and I do believe I will) it won’t be because of anything special about my personality. It will be because I did self exams and found it early, and it will be because breast cancer treatment has come so far, and it will be because the cancer is something that is treatable. It will, more than anything, be luck.

I am not brave. When someone faces a serious illness diagnosis, there really isn’t much choice but to fight. We are created to be resilient, we are created to be fighters, we are created to choose life. We can only spend so much time curled up in a ball feeling sorry for ourselves, before life goes on in spite of what we’re going through. I’m just doing what I have to, because as much as I would like to ignore it…it’s not so much an option. 

I guess I could be a bit grumpier about it, but anybody that knows me knows that’s not in my nature. Not because I’m particularly strong or brave…just because I’m generally a cheerful outgoing person. Even when I’m going through crap, I take my time to sulk (and I do sulk hard and get super sensitive!), and then I become my happy silly self again. 

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