Two questions I’ve been asked a lot:
1. How are you?
I am okay. I guess. Tomorrow is a big day. It’s a small surgery but a big day because it is the most important step in getting cancer free, and because it is my first ever surgery. So, even though it’s minor surgery, I’m scared of it. Mostly of how hard the recovery will be (I’ve heard the breast incision will likely be easy, but the underarm-lymph nodes-can be a bitch).
Mostly I’m sad because starting with my surgery, I will be a cancer patient. I know as soon as I’m recovered from surgery, I will start treatment, either radiation or chemo. Depending what treatment I need it will probably be months before my life feels normal again. If I need hormonal meds…maybe years (sometimes they are well-tolerated, sometimes not so much). I’ve spent the last couple months in a bit of denial, educated denial because I know what’s inside me, but I’ve been pretending it’s not for the most part and just enjoying my life. I know this ends. That’s not to say there won’t be any good times during treatment, but I’m pretty sure it won’t be the same. I’m pretty sure I will be spending a lot of time feeling tired and achy, not looking or feeling the way I want to and not doing all the things I’m used to doing. I know that this can even last long after my treatment is done.
So I’m feeling a bit sorry for myself right now, I really don’t want to do all this, I just want my life back and I want it back now. But I will be OK, I always bounce back and no doubt I will again! At the end of the day, there is only one way to get to the other side of this, and it is straight through the middle. So that’s where I will go. Starting tomorrow.
In spite of being scared and sad about the changes that beginning treatment will start in my life, I am also very relieved to finally be here. I’m looking forward to having that cancer cut out of me, to no longer feeling a lump and knowing that it is cancer. I’m looking forward to starting to fight this cancer, and move towards cancer free.
2. What can I do?
To be honest, at this point, probably not much. My freezer is full of food, my kids are school aged, my husband is around for the weekend and by next week I should be able to get around a bit.
I won’t turn down any treats for myself or my family…but we don’t “need” them either, we’ve got piles of food and grocery gateway is always available to us. We also are fine financially, I’ve got sick time and great benefits.
The only thing I’d really like is for my kids to be kept busy and happy, for their friends to reach out and spend time with them, so they don’t have to be at home much when I am not feeling well.