I’m so happy it’s the weekend. The week was a tough one for me:
Friday-chest, bone and abdominal scans; and Intro to chemo class.
None of the tests were particularly difficult (although I did have to fast for the abdominal scan, which I hate because coffee), but it was a lot of time at the hospital and a lot of running around to still work as much as possible, and to do what my family needed. In addition, I never sleep well the night before medical appointments. Even if they’re ones I don’t really have to worry about, somehow I still have a hard time sleeping knowing they ate the next day. I think it’s a combination of not knowing exactly what’s going to happen, and just thinking about the running around I have to do. Even before cancer happened, I always had a hard time sleeping the night before busy days with multiple appointments; worrying about the driving I had to do, if I would get everywhere I had to on time, etc.
I’ve already updated you on Monday, so for the rest I will just say that I’ve been told that my heart appears strong, and there’s no indication of metastases in my abdomen or bones. The woman who did the chest x-ray did not give me any feedback, so I’m still waiting for those results but not really anticipating anything concerning (she was very quick and matter of fact, did not request any extra pictures, etc).
The chemo class was good, I got to meet a lot of the team and it was quite reassuring to hear how they will help us manage our chemo schedule and side effects. I have to say reading about chemotherapy is pretty scary! There can be a lot of pretty awful side effects, that I would like to avoid. Food aversions are a big one, since my diet is already so limited I don’t want to start not being able to eat some of my favorite foods.
Obviously hair loss is another one of these, but I am starting to feel a bit better about it. My hair is a lot shorter than it was and I’m getting used to it, I’ve also started buying and trying on wigs, as well as other head coverings. I’m starting to feel positive about how the wigs and scarves look and how I feel im them. No doubt when I actually have to shave my head and confront myself bald, it will still be very heartbreaking, but I’m feeling more prepared for it. I’m also starting to research how to do my make-up and draw eyebrows. it might seem shallow for me to be worried about all this, but anybody who reads my blog regularly knows that looking my best is an important part of who I am, shallow or not, and I don’t want to let cancer take that away from me:
oncologist: cancer treatment isn’t like it used to be, where people got all weak and skinny. Now there steroids really help that, a lot of people even gain weight.
jill: umm… any chance I can do the old-school skinny treatment?
Anyway, it’s the weekend and I don’t have any cancer related appointments until January 5, when I have my generic counseller appointment and when I go for my blood test before I start chemo on the 6th. So, I am planning to go back into the “educated-denial” mode I was between diagnosis and surgery; preparing a bit for what I’m dealing with, but for the most part trying to live my life as usual and just enjoy the next few weeks with my friends and family. We have no plans this weekend, but I am working next week, as well as enjoying spending Christmas eve and New Year’s eve with friends!