Buzz

The last few days have left me wondering what to do for my hair. I’ve been of two minds:

1. leave it how it is, let it start to fall out and then cut it short. That way I have hair a little bit longer, and I have no hair a little bit less time. Plus I don’t have to go through getting it changed before I need to and see my hair go from a cute little ear length bob to almost nothing, which I am sure to hate. 

2. Just do it, get a buzz cut. I deal better with things once I have to, and I had so much stress about what life will be like with a lot less hair, and then no hair, that I might as well just get there and start dealing with it. 

For the last couple weeks, this decision has quite literally kept me up at night. I had already decided to get a buzz cut the night before I started chemo, but had to cancel it due to another appointment. It was hard to recommit to doing it after that.

Yesterday, I made my decision. Zoe and I went to the hairdresser, she got a trim and I got a buzz. 

  

I am not going to say I love it, but I will say I don’t hate it. I am very relieved. I brought a hat with me, but did not feel the need to cover my head, even when we went to the mall to run some errands afterwards, and even when we went to our friends’ home to watch Netflix later. I know that even the small bit of hair will be gone soon, and I will have a whole new adjustment, but I feel better to be taking the step towards life without hair. I also feel better to see what I look like with very short hair, know that it’s not awful, and be a little bit less scared of the time, months ahead, when my hair will start to grow back. I am very glad that I decided to buzz my hair, it makes me feel more in control!

And the meantime, I guess I have this cute little buzz cut for the next week or so, until it falls out. After that I can’t say what I’ll do. I have some nice wigs, I have some pretty scarves, I have some cute hats. I sort of imagine I will wear a combination, depending where I am going and what I’m doing and how I’m feeling. As I’m sure my readers know, I’m not particularly private, so it’s not like I’m trying to hide my hair loss from anybody that I know…but I also don’t particularly want to be out in public bald, having strangers look at me and imagine I’m sick. Also, whether I care of the people who know me know I’m bald or not, I do always like to look my best, I doubt that will change, so I guess I will have to figure out what  best suits me and is comfortable! 

I will admit, I am looking forward to losing the random hairs on my chin and cheek, and here’s another places that one should not have her. I’m also looking forward to far less personal grooming!

As a chemo update, my first cycle is actually going pretty well, I have learned to take medicine for queasiness right away, and have had no other serious incidents with that, nor any other significant side effects. I don’t really like the steroids and they make me shaky, today’s my first day without them, after a half dose taper yesterday. Although I certainly do not feel like 100% myself, I feel fine. I’ve been able to go out and do things, go for long walks, enjoy my family and friends. I get shaky easily, I get tired easily, but I can take it easy for a little while and then I am fine. I am not particularly hungry, but I have not had serious food aversions, and I have been able to eat enough to keep up my energy and calories without overeating, which sometimes happens to people on steroids. My understanding is that the next two weeks are only going to get better (A bit more fatigue, but I won’t feel as sick), and for that I feel very lucky, that my first cycle has been quite easy. I know the chemotherapy is cumulative, every cycle will probably get a bit harder, I’m not going to just fly through them all…but I’m trying to take what I can get, I’ve got one cycle down, anticipate going back to work tomorrow like I planned, and I’m feeling OK. I call that a win!

* in case anybody is googling Neulasta, I did talk about a few days ago. I have been taking Claritin every day, and have not noticed any severe bone pain. Maybe I wouldn’t have had it anyway, but I plan to continue the Claritin and not find out!

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