Today I completed my 18th radiation treatment, that means seven more to go. I think it does anyway, I’m not good at math so I could be wrong. Although my skin damage is supposedly not bad compared to what it could be, it is itchy and it hurts and it is hard to keep going back and doing something that I know is going to make it hurt more, but I have to, 7(ish) more times.
As for how I’m doing, I guess the best I can say is I am so over it. All of it.
I’m over fighting cancer. It’s exhausting. All of it. I want to go to sleep and wake up when it’s all over and I have a pile of hair again and my red burnt chest, collarbone to nearly waist, is white again.
I’m over wearing a loose cotton barely bra from that really does nothing and makes me feel unattractive and frumpy, as if being nearly bald without eyebrows or eyelashes wasn’t already enough to do that.
I’m over people either annoying me by asking how I am so often I want to tell them leave me alone and read my blog, and I’m over other people acting as if this isn’t happening at all. Nobody seems to be able to get it right, and I know that’s probably more a reflection of me than them. Maybe all the hormonal changes make me a bitch.
I’m over Facebook, where it seems like almost everybody is happy except for me. Where friends keep posting their haircuts and colour while I barely have hair at all. (for some reason approximately 17 of my friends have posted haircuts in the last week, that’s a bit of an exaggeration but seriously, does every woman I know have enough hair to get a haircut except me and do they all have to post it ?), and post about running when I can’t run because I can’t be outside in the sun nor can I wear a bra that I can comfortably run in. I’m over all the girls trips and girls night out, which has nothing to do with cancer just that I don’t have a group of girls to do that kind of thing with. I have friends, but I don’t have a crew. I wish I did.
Then I go to my breast cancer group, where people get it, but that’s hard too because I feel guilty when there so many women who have it worse than me, who have metatastic breast cancer, who had to have mastectomies. It’s also hard because a lot of these women started like me, with a little lump and a little treatment, and I know that I could end up like them; with more advanced cancer and a worse prognosis. So sometimes, my safe place doesn’t feel safe at all it just feels scary. I’m over beong scared.
So yeah, 7 more treatments, and it’s about time…because I’m over it (not that it matters, cancer doesn’t care).