Owning it

As my hair has grown from nonexistent to a buzz cut to a very short pixie to a pretty typical pixie cut; I have learned to like it short…and unless they are all lying so does just about everybody I know. 

In spite of that, I have always thought that I needed to grow it back, and then if I still preferred it short I could cut it. After all, cancer took my hair away, and if it’s going to be short, it needs to be on my terms.

Something interesting happened to me today though, I went to the hairdresser to get it cleaned up and she said “Jill, you know if you keep getting your hair trimmed, it’s never going to grow back?”.

It occurred to me that I don’t care. So I said, “I don’t care”.

I realized it doesn’t matter if I wait for my hair to grow back or not. No matter whether I choose to cut or keep it short, it’s by my terms. Going through the awkwardness and time it takes to grow my hair back, all to possibly cut it short again, that’s pointless.

I like it the way it is now, so this is how it will stay for now.

Who knows, maybe in a few years I will decide to grow it again? Maybe in a few months I will? Maybe I won’t cut it again for two years and today’s epiphany will last but a moment?

But for now, I’ve decided to own my pixie! its not chemo hair anymore, its mine. I choose it.


2 thoughts on “Owning it

  1. I think it looks great. It becomes more about having that control back than the actual hair, I think. For me, that’s the case anyway. I just like that I am back in charge, instead of cancer deciding for me.

    • Thank you, I absolutely agree! I wanted control of my hair. For a long time I thought that meant growing it back, I just had this moment today where I realized that saying “I don’t care if it doesn’t grow back, keep trimming it” still put me in control!

      After all, without me saying that it would keep growing all on its own.

      I still love long hair and and miss it, but I think short hair looks cute on me and I don’t have to go back to who I was before, I won’t anyway right? As most of us have learned there are some silver linings to this horrible disease (not really, but we can try to make them), and maybe for me one of them is having a cute new look!

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