Good and bad stuff

Good: 

1. It is spring, the weather is warming up, I plan to start running again (today!), and of course walking is much more pleasant!

2.  I’ve been going to fit-boxing once a week, and really enjoying it. I’ve actually been doing that instead of yoga, because I love the Wednesday night fit-box class and I don’t really like the Wednesday night yoga class I was attending (great teacher, but the class just isn’t very challenging for me. Which was OK when I was just getting back into yoga but now I need more if I’m going to go). I love Monday night’s yoga class, but I can’t go right now because of a schedule conflict, but that will end in May and I think yoga on Mondays, boxing on Wednesdays, and my own workouts (combination of cardio, and strength training) the rest of the week will be perfect! 

Bad: 

1. It is spring. Even though there are a lot of good things about spring, I still hate spring. I was reading an article yesterday about reverse seasonal affective disorder and I wonder if that’s an issue for me. I always have a hard time in March, April and early May. Physically I tend to get tired and headache-y easily and also tend to get sick more easily this time of year. Emotionally I tend to be overly sensitive, easily hurt, and tearful. Somewhat depressed…not to the point that I can’t function or anything like that…but just to the point that I notice I feel less happy. I think some of it is because my husband works so much more this time of year so there is a lot more pressure on me at home (which adds to work pressure as well, as I have to make sure I am not stuck working late, which is hard in my job), as the kids get older that gets easier however I still have the same emotional response to this time of year. 

2. This may be related to number 1 but I don’t think so, because it’s actually been happening for a long time. The people I’ve considered my closest friends over the last few years don’t seem like close friends anymore, and it’s pretty clear that it’s not going to improve-the details aren’t important I will just say that it’s clear that a close friendship is not a priority anymore. That is fine, people and relationships change. I still have some close friends…but not as many as I would like, and although I don’t need to be the most popular girl around, I am a super social person and like to know there are people I can reach out to to go for coffee or do something with our families. My circle has gotten smaller and I don’t know how to make it bigger again.

3. Iv’e been struggling a lot with insomnia since my surgery. This is not uncommon but I’m not sure what to do about it. Ativan helps me sleep however it is habit-forming so I don’t like to take it every night. Melatonin used to help but it doesn’t seem to anymore, and it gives me such crazy dreams that even if I do sleep it is not restful. My oncologist has offered me an antidepressant that sometimes helps with hot flashes off label, but hot flashes are not my problem and when I looked at the potential side effects (insomnia is a very common one, also headaches!!!) I decided not to take it. I have been going to acupuncture and although I have noticed it is improving some other issues, my sleep has not improved. I’m starting to look at some supplements but I have to be careful, because there are supplements breast cancer survivors are supposed to avoid! I’m also trying meditation and mindfulness, and thinking back to the cognitive behavioral techniques I learned years ago. Hopefully some of the techniques I am using will start working better soon and I will be getting better sleep, but in the meantime it’s very frustrating! It’s also a painful and sad reminder that even though it seems like the cancer is “over”, it is still hurting me and I don’t get my life back (yet). 

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