I guess this is a common theme right now, I guess it tells you what’s happening in my life. I posted this on an anonymous blog many months ago, but decided to share it here, because I’m starting to realize I’m not the only one that feels this way and maybe it would help others to see it!
*I think what I find hardest about being middle-aged is not what I’d have expected. It’s not parenting, it’s not having ageing parents, it’s not my own health issues, it’s not marital issues…even though of course all these things are difficult sometimes.
I always assumed by the time I was in middle age, I would have a solid group of girlfriends. Looking on Facebook, it feels like this has happened for other women. Women are always posting about their girls nights out and girls weekends and such things.
Not me though. Girls nights out are rare for me, and I’ve never had a girls weekend away. I’ve never even been invited to one.
Don’t get me wrong, I have friends, my Facebook is full of them. But I don’t have a group of friends, I don’t have a posse, I don’t have a crew. I desperately want one, but for whatever reason I’ve never fit into one. There are some I am on the outskirts of, but it’s very obvious that I’m not on the inner circle.
Besides not having a crew, I find individual friendships hard. I often feel like I’m still in high school; I don’t know who is a real friend and who isn’t, drama happens too often even though I hate drama. Over the last few years I’ve had a lot of very difficult situations in my life, a lot of my friends have dropped the ball. Sometimes I feel like maybe I just expect too much of them, I try hard not to have expectations, but when you realize that someone you consider one of your closest friends has stopped following you on Facebook or that the people that were there for you during your hardest times were not the people you really consider yourself close to (rather the people you know that just happened to be really good at that kind of stuff) you start to really wonder who is a friend at all.
I’m not perfect, but I’m a good person. I apologize when I hurt somebody. I would drop everything for a friend. I am funny and friendly. I have a nice family. There is no reason at all for me to constantly feel like I am excluded or rejected, and yet I do. So I often wonder what’s wrong with me. What’s wrong with me that my close friends aren’t really there for me the way I would be there for them? What’s wrong with me that I’m not part of a posse? What’s wrong with me that I’ve never been thought of for a girls weekend? What’s wrong with me that nearly every weekend I watch everybody else’s social life on Facebook while trying to find ways for the four of us to enjoy time alone!
I’ve tried to fix it, including myself whenever I’m invited with a group, getting my friends together myself, but it still never worked.*