Anybody following my social media would believe that I’m having a fabulous summer! Pictures of me and my family at parks, hanging out with friends, enjoying delicious meals. Pictures of my cute summer outfits, and the fun styles I’ve been trying out with my growing hair. We’ve got a wonderful vacation planned at the end of August that we thoroughly plan to enjoy!
Nobody would guess that this has been the worst summer ever.
Nobody would know that I’ve cried myself to sleep almost every night.
Nobody realizes I’m dealing with a family crisis of epic proportions. I can’t share the details (they aren’t mine), except to say that it’s a very difficult situation, and even though it will likely be resolved sometime in the next few months, it is something that weighs heavily on my future and the future of my family.
Nobody would realize that I’m still deeply grieving the loss of my two closest friends over many years. We aren’t friends anymore for a reason, it was my choice and I don’t regret it, I don’t think they do either since they made it clear that they weren’t interested in being close with me anymore (and even though they both know that I’m going through a difficult situation, neither of them have reached out-I would, whether we were still close or not, but I guess that’s me) but it is still a loss. I am happy that it has gotten me closer to other people though!
Nobody knows that even though I check in at the gym proudly, and even though I’m back to running and yoga (and biking and fitboxing), I cry at the end of every class because of how much strength and mobility I’ve lost, and I haven’t ran as slowly and with so many walking breaks since I weigh 200 pounds. I can currently walk 5k in the same amount of time it takes me to run it, and that breaks my heart.
Nobody knows I need to take something to sleep every single night, if I don’t then my chattering brain and messed up hormones from surgical menopause do not let me sleep no matter how tired I am.
I’m not writing this to make anyone feel sorry for me, I’m not really sure how many people even read my blog anymore, cancer made it popular, but once I got through treatment I wasn’t so interesting anymore! I’m sharing this because I think that social media gets a lot of people down in the dumps, everybody looks so happy, everybody looks like they’re having so much fun and have so many friends… but it’s only what people choose to share. I have no doubt that I am far from the only one who is actually in a much different position then one would think based on social media.