Blogging is useful

So years ago, I learned to finally embrace my (oddly, because it was straight until I was in my 30s) curly hair. I did so by following the curly girl hair routine, and posted many times on my blog about this process. It was a fair amount of work, but by late 2015 was loving my hair!

By early 2016, it was gone

Since I’ve been growing it back, there have been several times where I thought maybe I could go back to curly, but has never worked for more than a couple days. Until now! I started wearing my hair curly again at the beginning of March, and I’ve kept it up for three weeks now!

At the beginning, I was really just guessing on how to style it because I couldn’t really remember how I used to do it. After a few days, to my blog I went! I went through all the postings in the category curly girl to remind myself and the tricks and products, and I think the results speak for themselves! The picture on the top left was March 5, the bottom right March 16.


Sometimes blogging seems like such a silly thing to do, but times like this journalling all these little parts of my life that I don’t think are really important to anybody, still comes out useful!


Spring is coming



Here is my Old Navy wish list! I will be unlikely to buy any of this clothing, I have actually been decluttering my clothing, and trying to minimize my wardrobe.

I can still look!



In other news, after a couple months of mostly straightening my hair, I’ve been wearing it curly again. I think it’s finally long enough to work! Here’s a picture from yesterday, it was second day hair!

Where are you?

Lately, a lot of people have been texting asking where I am. At meetings, at parent Council, events, everywhere.

The truth is, I’m just not there! I’ve spent years trying to do it all; Work, attend meetings and community events, spend time with my family and friends, deal with the needs of our household. I did it all right through cancer treatment; I still remember going to parent council and union meetings with a bottle of anti-nausea pills in my purse and a scarf around my head that came on and off every 10 minutes as I tried to regulate my temperature, and driving home with the windows open or AC high on to stay awake. It felt that important to me…both the content, and proving I was still me.

A few weeks ago I got the flu. I was off work for most of the week, and when I went back to work the next week I was too tired to do anything but work and do what I needed to at home, so I decided I wouldn’t for a week.

Three weeks later, I just haven’t gone back. I’m exercising again, and I’m starting to make plans with friends…but I’m not going to after hours non-mandatory work meetings, or school meetings, or community events. I feel guilty about that because these are opportunities to meet new people, and maybe make a difference (although it hasn’t really worked)…but right now it’s just what I need to do for myself. Focus whatever “free” time and energy I have on my priorities: family, friends, and fitness (Wow-the 3 fs!).

I’ve given myself permission to take the rest of the year off, unless it’s something absolutely essential where my participation will really make a difference or be meaningful to me, and not just be me sitting and listening and being frustrated that I’m not elsewhere.

It’s interesting, in my breast cancer groups many women said that they worked through their treatment, but then they needed sick-leave afterwards to recover. I guess I’m feeling that way kind of, but taking a leave from work isn’t really right for me now, so I’m taking a leave from everything else instead. The leave I probably should’ve taken two years ago, but maybe now really is when I need it more!

Hiding nail damage

I spent the last spring and summer doing my nails with shellac, which I absolutely love! It looks so nice, and I don’t have to touch them for two weeks. Eventually I quit though, firstly because I don’t really have the time for it. Secondly because getting it redone is expensive. Thirdly because it’s bad for my nails. Lastly because I’m concerned about having my hands under those UV lights all the time, I do not need skin cancer!

The last time I did it was in October. I won’t show you a picture of my bare nails, I will just say that they’re not pretty. There is some healthy regrowth at the bottom, but the top half of them is bumpy, peeling and has white spots. I do lightly buff them, but not enough to remove all the damage because I fear that would do more damage.

Dark and/or matte nail polish does not look nice on it, it shows the bumps! I’ve discovered using sparkly pink polish is best, and makes my nails look clean and cared for, and the sparkles cover up the peeling, bumps and spots and colour issues.

I do really need to find a vegan nail polish that I love and that I find lasts. I feel guilty for buying this one, but it is a great rose gold color, dries quickly, and lasts a week.

What’s down…I mean up

I haven’t posted in a while, and there’s been reasons for that. For the most part, it just has not been a good time for me. I went into the new year with positivity, but quickly realized that attitude isn’t everything.

I will be brutally honest and say that I’ve been struggling with both anxiety and depression over the recent months. Actually, I think I’m depressed because of anxiety. I’m worried all the time; I’m worried about my health, my children’s health, my husband’s health, my parent’s health, my friend’s health (as one of my closest friends is going through a very difficult time right now), finances, my lower level of fitness and strength and high level of exhaustion that doesn’t seem to get better even so long after my treatment, my future, my insomnia, my future responsibilities, my friendships, and my work. I love my job, but responsibility of my position weighs very heavily on me.

Over the last few months I’ve had a sense of hopelessness, and although I am absolutely not suicidal or self harming, I have often heard running through my head the thought “if this is just the way my life is, if it’s just going to be difficult and stressful and anxiety provoking and suck until I get old and die, why do I have to keep doing it?”

Obviously, that is a horrible way to feel, so I am working on overcoming it. I have seen a therapist a few times, it has not been helpful, perhaps I just haven’t found the right one.

There are things that I have found have been helping me though.

•One thing I did was get an app on my phone called Grateful. Every day it prompts me to write a list of the things I’m grateful for, that made the day a good day, that I’m looking forward to, that made me laugh, that made me smile. It seems so simple but forcing myself to think about the good things really does help push some of the bad things aside. It’s true that my life is not easy right now, and that it may not get easier…but there are still good things, and forcing myself to think about them really does improve my mood and take away the helplessness.

•I’ve also been meditating every single day, usually for about 10 minutes at a quiet time, and another 10 minutes before bedtime. It is helping me sleep better and refreshing my brain to move on with my day. I can feel my anxiety level is going down, even during difficulties.

•Another thing I’ve done is get a separate phone number for work, and turn it off every day the minute I leave the office (or finish work if I’m not in the office. In the past my personal cell number was used for work, that meant clients could call or text me anytime. I didn’t necessarily always have to respond or do anything, but just knowing that every time my phone dings, no matter when, it could be a work problem was very stressful for me. Even if I didn’t respond to things until I was back at work, I would know about them, and they would make me worry. Changing my work number to one I can turn off (I use the textme app and turn off notifications, and all my clients have been informed that when I am not working I do not get calls or text messages) has helped me find a bit better work/life balance, and focus better on myself and my family when I leave the office for the day.

•I’ve also been really pushing myself to exercise again, I’ve been walking a lot for the past two years (abc, after breast cancer), but other fitness has come and gone. I’m now making sure to do some real cardio and strength training 2 to 3 times a week, it makes me feel better about myself and lifts my mood. Related, I am forcing myself to make the time to see a physiotherapist. My strength and range of motion issues in my right arm have only gotten worse, contributing to my issues with exercise… It’s hard to make time for more doctors appointments, but I’m never going to get back into fitness the way I hope to if I can’t fix that stupid arm.

•I’ve reached out to friends I’m not close to anymore and miss. Things aren’t like they were, but there is a reconnection that makes me smile.

I am in a much better place now than I was a few months or even weeks ago, hopefully that can continue. I know I’m probably sharing a bit too much of myself here, but I think it’s important to always be honest, I’m sure there are people that have similar struggles, whether they are open about it or not. I’m not really sure if anybody even reads my blog anymore or not, except my parents…writing helps me, but talking doesn’t. As I’ve said before during difficult times, I don’t really want to talk about it. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to talk; feel free to reach out to me to spend time with me, get me out of the house, give me some fun, and remind me there are people in my life besides my family…but I don’t want to talk about this!